The Best of What's Around

Auto-Tune Pizza

2010-04-06T20:32:00.002-04:00

For those of you that don't know what Auto-Tune is I'm sure you've definitely heard what it is if you've happened to listen to any song on the radio these days. Basically it is an effect that you can put on your voice that will automatically try to put your voice in tune. Most pop artists are now using it so almost everyone sounds the same. It is very annoying unless you use it for a prank call.

The below clip is someone from the Stern show calling a pizza place using Auto-Tune. I've listened to this numerous times and I still crack up every time I hear it.

11 Bars Of Christmas???

2010-01-23T18:13:00.006-05:00

Hong Kong bar in Faneuil Hall damaged by fire

Updated: Friday, 25 Dec 2009, 12:20 PM ESTPublished : Thursday, 24 Dec 2009, 10:51 PM EST

"A three-alarm fire ripped through the Hong Kong bar in Faneuil Hall on Thursday night.
About a half dozen people were inside at about 9 p.m. when the fire broke out.

Firefighters said the fire, which was caused by an electrical short circuit, began on the ceiling of the first floor and quickly spread to the walls and across the building.

No one was hurt.

The fire caused an estimated $400,000 in damages."

I can't believe I didn't hear about this until now. Forget fundraising for Haiti. We all have to act now to rebuild the Hong Kong in Boston. I will be holding a candlelight vigil in 2 weeks in memory of the best 4th Bar and arguably the best of all the bars on the 12 Bars of Christmas Bar Crawl. Stay tuned for the benefit concert that I'm trying to put together which will also offer free Scorpion Bowls at the concert for every $20 donation.

Click here to watch the video of the Hong Kong burning. Lets all have a moment of silence while you watch the video. I do have to warn everyone that this video is highly emotional so please use discretion when viewing. I don't want to be responsible for anyone going into a deep depression.

Holiday Inn My Bed

2010-01-22T20:07:00.006-05:00

I couldn't believe this was actually true. The below is a news article that I read. I wish I could make this up...

"At the Holiday Inn in the UK guests who don’t want to hop into a cold bed at one English hotel now have a novel way to warm up: by enlisting a staff member to do it for them.

The Holiday Inn's Kensington, London, location will offer a free five-minute “human bed warming” service throughout next week.

So what does a human bed warmer do? A hotel staffer, dressed from head-to-toe in a white, fleecy getup that looks like a cross between a footed pajama set and a snowsuit, will get into your bed upon request and move around, generating some heat between those chilly sheets."

What could hotels come up with next?

Staff Members will drool on your pillow
Staff Members will give you a dutch oven
Staff Members will snore next to you all night

The Next Mythbuster

2009-12-29T22:43:00.007-05:00

I have come up with the next Myth that they need to investigate on the show Mythbusters.

Myth: The show Mythbusters will start to lose ratings since the new blonde is not as hot as the old red head.

True or False?

Sunday Night Footboob

2009-11-18T20:44:00.008-05:00

I've been listening to hours of talk radio this week. In the Boston area the main two topics that seem to be discussed are mammograms and Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th down.

The big thing for both topics has been everyone debating over statistics. One group will bring up certain numbers and then another group will present a whole different set of numbers. At this point in the week I'm so confused but have tried to put things together.

From my understanding this is what I believe to be true:

-56% of people agree that for both mammograms and 4th downs you should not "go for it" if you are under 40.

-76% of people agree that thinking of Tom Brady while giving yourself a breast exam will not help you.

-92% of people feel that whether you are looking out for your 2 boobs or 2 yards, make sure you don't "faulk" yourself by making the wrong decision.

Fresh Balls

2009-11-09T20:16:00.007-05:00

This is not a joke. This is an actual product for "your boys". The below is an exact excerpt from their website, Freshballs.com.

Frank Brooks invented Fresh Balls for one reason ….. well … actually two. He, along with millions of other men, suffer from sweaty testicles.

Mr. Brooks, and his team of chemists, created this cream, called Fresh Balls, to ease this embarrassing problem.

Fresh Balls is the first and only antiperspirant for your boys… It’s Aluminum Free, Paraben Free and Talc Free. It contains Oatmeal as an anti-irritant and Tea Tree Oil – so it’s anti-bacterial as well.

In other words, it’s perfect for your skin.
Fresh Balls is an easy to apply cream, so it won’t clump on your skin or leave a powdery residue on your pants.

Check out their video and website by clicking here or you can also see the video from their website below.

How To Open A Wine Bottle Without A Corkscrew

2009-11-07T19:55:00.000-05:00

How to Open Wine Without a Corkscrew - Watch more Funny Videos

Fleggaard – Lige over Grænsen

2009-10-31T11:48:00.004-04:00

This is a Danish advertisement.

Is This the Best TV Commercial Ever? Fleggaard Controversial - The most amazing videos are a click away

The text on the sky says “Dish Washer – Only 4999″.

And the text in the end says “Fleggaard – Lige over Grænsen” which means “Fleggaard – Just over the edge”.

Grænse also has the meaning “border”, and Fleggaard is a German company selling lots of stuff cheap (or so they say) in Denmark. Hence “just over the border”.

Also, to ensure that I clarify everything in this commercial...yes, these are naked women that are skydiving. No translation will be needed for that part of the commercial.

Intern Google Search

2009-10-13T20:51:00.004-04:00

I typed in the word "intern" when searching google for more information on Dave Letterman's situation. One of the first pictures that popped up in relation to the word intern was below.

I now know we don't have to worry about David Letterman giving interns a bad name. They do just fine on their own.

What Did I Miss?

2009-09-03T21:43:00.003-04:00

Do you find yourself asking someone this at the movies after you return from the bathroom?

Now you don't have to with a new website: RunPee.com

The website will tell you the best times during a movie to go to the bathroom. It also has an app. for iPhones. During a movie it will buzz your phone a minute in advance of the best pee break time. It will also give you a synopsis of what you are missing.

This was actually created by a professional football player, Jordan Palmer (Carson's brother).

Check out the website by clicking here.

Female Urinal

2009-08-17T07:05:00.000-04:00

For girls that don't want to use the MagicCone here is a urinal that will help them out.

Burquinis

2009-08-12T20:36:00.000-04:00

The Burquini is basically a Burka for the beach. The women that will use it will mainly be Muslim women.

Instead of this being a requirement for Muslim women I'd rather this attire be required (or should I say mandatory) for overweight women.

If you'd like to see more on Burquinis click here.

The Shake Weight or the Hand Job Handle?

2009-08-01T21:09:00.008-04:00

Hilarious Shake Weight Exercise for Women - Watch more Funny Videos

Should they really call this the Shake Weight?

If they don't decide to change the name of the product they should at least change the commercial to what the true benefits of this would be...

Revised Commercial:

Hey girls, are you sick of it taking so long to jerk off your husband/boyfriend? Well we have your answer. Start training with the new Shake Weight.

We've found on a study of more than 300 women that they cut down the average time it took to get their loved one off from 3.4 minutes to 15 seconds flat.

Lets listen to what Debbie has to say...

Debbie: "The Shake Weight changed my life. Being married to an alcoholic with liquor dick has been a living hell for me until I found Shake Weight. Now instead of taking 27 minutes to jerk him off I'm done in less than 2 minutes. Thank you Shake Weight!!!"

Australia's Got Talent

2009-07-28T22:25:00.000-04:00

Everyone thought that Susan Boyle had talent...now this is talent.

I Suppose Australia Has Talent - Watch more free videos

Cashing In On Michael

2009-07-01T19:44:00.000-04:00

This is eBay at its best.

This is an actual item that I found being sold on eBay. It is a hand made bust of Michael Jackson. At the top it reads, "Rare Item Hand Made Local Artist in 1983 MJ has seen it".

The "buy it now" price is $25,0000. Classic.

Sleepover With Bubbles

2009-06-30T20:22:00.005-04:00

I know what many of you have been thinking this week. Although one of the greatest music stars of all time passed away you really are upset wondering; "What happened to Bubbles?"

Don't worry, Bubbles is still alive. He is currently 26 years old and living at a Center For Great Apes in Florida. He is doing well but it does look like he took some tips from MJ.

Similar to MJ allowing people to "sleep over" at Neverland Ranch, the location where Bubbles is currently located allows persons that donate a certain amount of money to actually "schedule an overnight stay".

Per the Center For Great Apes website, a person "contributing at the Founder’s Club level ($10,000 and above) may schedule an overnight stay in one of our guest cabins."

I predict in less than 3 years Bubbles will be accused of child molestation allowing children to sleep in his bed as well as giving the children wine which he refers to as Jesus Juice.

**A Special Message to Bubbles: Bubbles...if you're out there reading this take a look at the Man In the Mirror and say to yourself, "I'm gonna make a change for once in my life."

Learn from Michael's mistakes...don't let anyone sleep over.**

Fill In The Blank Plus 8

2009-06-23T23:29:00.002-04:00

New Titles for the Jon & Kate Plus 8 Show

Bodyguard & Kate Plus 8

Jon & Kate Separ-8

Jon & Twenty Three Year Old Date Plus 8

Kate & Madelyn Plus 7

Mike Brady & Kate Plus 14

Hair Plugs & Spiky Plus 8

Gymboree Marketing & Kate Plus 8

Who Gives a Sh*t & Who Gives a F*ck Minus 8

Lets Build a Death Star

2009-06-13T13:52:00.002-04:00

I stumbled across an article on Gizmodo that actually calculated the cost of what it would take to build a Death Star.

The total cost for a "no frills" Death Star would be $15.6 septillion and 94 cents. That is 1.4 Trillion Times the current US debt.

I really think we should put the money that we've borrowed from China towards building one. Use it as the start of a down payment so we can get this project going.

That way if China continues to become the powerhouse that we are all worried about and at some point demands us to start paying back the money we can simply say...

"We're not paying shit. You can go take your plastic toys and shove them up your ass. We've got a Death Star now...Bee-ach. That's right China...I said Bee-ach."

Comments

2009-05-11T20:09:00.002-04:00

Since I have started my blog I will get email notifications once in awhile from people that leave comments at the bottom of each post.

Most of the comments are from people that I know but I have received some from random people that end up discovering my blog.

I normally won't comment on a comment but couldn't believe that I actually received a positive comment from someone for my Lunapad and DivaCup post.

The comment to the post was:

ekodiva said...
i'm a woman and i totally understand being happy about not having to deal with luna pads or diva cup. but... if ya' gotta deal... the diva cup is awesome! washing it out really isn't bad at all, and it's totally comfortable. recommend it to all your girlfriends! they'll love you even more! :)
February 16, 2009 1:49 AM

If anything I'd figured I'd get a positive comment about a blanket with arms in it vs. a post about re-usable menstrual pads. Go figure.

I guess the only thing that would top a positive comment about Lunapads would be a comment on my Triple Nipple post from someone admitting they have one.

Gilly

2009-05-03T23:16:00.013-04:00

Have you ever watched something that is so bad it is actually good?

For those of you that don't watch Saturday Night Live these days you're not missing much. Although they haven't been that great I did see a skit that I had to share. It's the "Gilly" skit.

It will take a couple times of watching it to find it funny.

Watch it a few times and if you still don't find it funny have a few drinks with friends and continue to say "Gilly" in a deep voice about 100 times in a row and have your friend say "Sorry".

I promise you by about the 43rd time you'll be pissing your pants and won't be able to stop saying it the rest of the night.

Swine Flu 70's Style

2009-04-29T20:49:00.003-04:00

We should have listened to the warning signs about the Swine Flu 33 years ago.

If the Swine Flu had any part in killing Disco Music then I guess it does have some benefits.

By far the best line in this is, "Betty died...but before she died she gave it to..."

The Bret Michaels School

2009-04-23T21:13:00.008-04:00

For those of you that were big hair band fans you'll know that Bret Michaels always used to use the same facial pose in all of his pictures as if he was trying to kiss the camera.

The below is multiple pictures of a girl that obviously went to the same school of "How To Pose For A Picture" as Bret Michaels. Enjoy the randomly dubbed Indiana Jones soundtrack over the pictures of a hot girl looking like an idiot.

Chick Makes Same Dumb Face in Every Pic - Watch more Funny Videos

"Girls Are So Lucky They Can Pee Standing Up"

2009-04-08T21:45:00.016-04:00

If you are a guy I'm sure you've heard girls complain stating, "You're so lucky since guys can pee standing up."

Now girls can no longer use this excuse thanks to the MagicCone. The MagicCone is basically a cone shaped piece of paper that allows women to pee standing up. My desciption does not do it justice and it is better to watch the video demostraction below. There is also an animated video on the website that is just as hillarious...I mean informative.

A company called Rightech Co. that came up with this also came up with a bunch of other random products that have nothing to do with each other. I can only imagine working as a customer service rep for this company...

"Thank you for calling Rightech. Are you calling about...

-Our "3D-Shot" which transforms your camera to 3D mode

-Our "No-Snag" ring binder

-Our "MagicCone" that allows women to pee standing up

...or...

-Our "P-Help" bag that allows you to pee anywhere...even in the car."

Sham Whoops

2009-03-31T22:00:00.000-04:00

The Smoking Gun reports that the methed out version of Billy Mays was arrested in Miami last month after he got into a brawl with a hooker! It all started when Vince picked up the pussy peddler, Sasha Harris, at a night club. The two new lovebirds went back to his room at the Setai Hotel where Sasha told Vince it would cost him $1,000 to slap and chop her snatch. Vince agreed, and so the fun and games began. While they were making out, Vince told the police that Sasha bit down on his tongue and wouldn't let go. This caused Vince to punch her several times until she let go. Once Vince had his tongue back in his own mouth and was able to get away, he ran crying and screaming into the lobby.

The good part is that although Vince might have trouble trying to talk for awhile he could always use a soundboard that was created for him. Click here to check out a soundboard of Vince with all of his top phrases...classic.

Side Effects Of Collagen Lip Injections

2009-03-22T21:42:00.008-04:00

As with any injection some common side effects are temporary redness and swelling at the injection site. These typically resolve within two to three days.

Most people can resume their normal activities within a few hours after the treatment such as spending your day trying hang on to your youth and convince yourself and others that your not a washed up soap star. (Note that this could also be taken as a pontential side effect as well but has yet to be scientifically proven.)

Do You Need Some Money?

2009-03-11T21:51:00.004-04:00

Are you looking to make some extra cash this year? If so then I have the perfect plan for you.

All you need to do is follow these 4 easy steps...

1. Wait until the October time frame.

2. Research to find out the local bars in your area that are having cash giveaways/contests for the best Halloween costume.

3. Do whatever it takes to attend as many as you can.

4. Show up dressed as Slim Goodbody

If you know who he is you'll be instantly creeped out with old memories of a skinny guy with a fro and unitard singing about body parts.

For those of you that don't know it was a show (1985-1989) that promoted good eating and health on PBS. He is currently still alive and well.

I know what many of you are thinking...you'd love to wear the costume to a bar to win the money but just don't feel like you have the balls to do it.

Don't worry about that...look closely at his costume...you don't even need balls.

If any of you take my advice and actually do this I expect a 20% cut on any profits that you receive from winning costume contests.

I Found Something That Will Help Octomom

2009-03-08T21:16:00.003-04:00

Since I'm tired of being frustrated knowing that my tax dollars go to people like Octomom, I figured I'd stop complaining and try to help. I found these...

The Original "Shout Out"

2009-03-05T21:00:00.002-05:00

Admit it...you always anxiously awaited at the end of every Romper Room to hear your name called out.

Who Is More Dangerous To Women?

2009-03-03T22:55:00.006-05:00

Jason Mesnick...

or an Ape?

The Women Won't Stop Staring

2009-02-23T18:58:00.001-05:00

Don't you hate it when women wearing low cut shirts get upset with you for staring at their breasts?

Well now you can get women back by wearing these new jeans that just came out...

Don't Turn To God...Turn To Fashion

2009-02-19T20:00:00.000-05:00

The home screen on my computer is MSN.com. When I logged into my computer yesterday I ended up seeing the below article...

So you are telling me that if a loved one dies or your significant other leaves you that fashion can pull you through it? Wow, I never knew fashion was that powerful!!!

What else can fashion do?

If I lose my job will fashion help pay my mortgage?

If I suffer with depression will fashion cheer me up?

What if I become impotent? Will fashion give me the lift that I need?

What if a 200lb chimp attacks me? Can fashion help save me?

I really don't know the answers to how vast and far reaching fashion can actually help but now I'm definitely curious.

If I suddenly find fashion would I be a "Born Again Fashionite"?

Could fashion be the next Scientology?

Look out L. Ron Hubbard...here comes fashion.

Ape Shit

2009-02-17T22:29:00.005-05:00

"A pet chimpanzee has been shot dead by a police officer after mauling a woman visiting its owner. The 200lb ape, who had appeared on TV commercials such as Coca Cola and Old Navy, attacked the woman as she got out of her car."

This is another one of the many things to add to the list of what is wrong with the world today. If there were anything to take away from this story I'd say that there are 2 simple rules...

Rule #1: Don't ever have a 200lb ape as a pet.

Rule #2: If you decide to break rule #1 don't ever dress the ape up and put it in a commercial. Especially an Old Navy commercial.

I even find myself holding back from attacking someone after watching those annoying commercials.

Please enjoy the below commercial from the Super Bowl. It also contains a bunch of chimps that will most likely go Ape Shit in the future.

The Next New Thing

2009-02-15T09:27:00.000-05:00

This is for everyone that loves to run out and buy the next new piece of shit before anyone else has it.

Even Superheroes Hate Work

2009-02-11T19:00:00.003-05:00

I'm sure there are days that Superman would rather relax on the couch than go to work...

Even Batman would rather stay home once in awhile and have a drink over fighting the Joker.

...and we all know that Robin and Aquaman would rather be at a gay club than out fighting crime.

Everyone hates going to work. Superheros are no different than you and I.

To illustrate this is a clip in which they dubbed the movie Office Space into an episode of Super Friends.

PMS Buddy

2009-02-07T09:00:00.003-05:00

"I'm going to go out after work with the boys."

"Sorry I missed dinner. I was stuck at the office."

"I can't wait for boys weekend."

"Yeah, I'll take another beer."

"Jessica Biel is so hot."

"Please don't talk to me. The game just started."

Have you ever wanted to make comments like these around your wife/girlfriend but never sure it was the right time. Well now there is something to help.

Welcome...

PMS Buddy is an actual on line website that lets you plug in your wife/girlfriend's monthly cycle. It will actually email you on the dates that you should watch out for PMS. It has alert levels and an Overall Threat Index to make you prepared for what is about to come.

Besides beer, Playboy, football, and blow jobs...this might be the best thing ever created for men.

If you want to check out the actual website for more info. click here.

Christian Bale Vs. Bill O'Reilly

2009-02-04T19:07:00.000-05:00

Most of you have heard Christian Bale's current rampage during the filming of Terminator 4.

Imagine if Christian Bale and Bill O'Reilly were working on the same set.

Christain Bale Vs. Bill O'Reilly - Watch more Free Videos

Bring Out Your Dead

2009-02-01T09:46:00.001-05:00

DTV is coming...Bring out your dead!!!

The cable companies are forcing customers that have an old antenna TV to get a converter or get rid of their old TV and buy a new one. Since most of these people are elderly I've offered to travel to everyone in my area and pick up their old TV since I feel bad for them.

For more on this topic feel free to click here.

Objectification Of Women

2009-01-29T10:14:00.006-05:00

I'm standing up for women...well sort of.

Recently the media has been all over Jessica Simpson for claiming that she is fat.

This is not fat...

This is fat...

Jessica Simpson should be more worried about making sure she doesn't wear pants that stand the potential of revealing a moose knuckle.

The WTF Blanket

2009-01-28T19:59:00.005-05:00

If you have seen the Sham Wow infomercials you've most likely come across another infomercial for the Snuggie.

This might be one of the most ridiculous products ever made. Unless you are trying to look like one of the Imperial Royal Guards then I'd avoid this product.

Men should take note that if you ever come home thinking that you're going to get lucky and you see your wife/girlfriend wearing the Snuggie...you are shit out of luck. You'll have better luck just playing with yourself with the Sham Wow.

Men should also be aware that if they find themselves wearing one and start to panic since they can't find their balls under the Snuggie...don't worry...your balls aren't there anymore so you can stop looking.

The below is a clip of the Snuggie Infomercial but it is dubbed over as the WTF Blanket which is really what it should be called.

Single Ladies

2009-01-25T19:26:00.008-05:00

I have to admit something quite embarrassing. I like Beyonce's "Single Ladies" song. I've had to repeatedly play it over and over again for my two little girls who love dancing to it. The song eventually hooked me.

It actually hooked me so much that I took things even further. I ended up watching the music video over and over again and studied the choreography. I then decided I wanted to re-make the video myself.

I dressed in a leotard, set up the video camera, pressed play on the CD player, and let it roll. I put out the best performance that I could. I then went to the Internet to post my video knowing that this would be the best video post in history...and then...I saw the below click.

I was so disappointed. I instantly stopped the upload of my video since after seeing the below clip there is no way I could top it.

Han Solo Looking To Sell Millenium Falcon For Extra Cash

2009-01-23T16:37:00.006-05:00

Harrison Ford commands an estimated $13.8 million per movie but with the ongoing financial struggle he has been made to slash his fee by almost half, according to British newspaper The Daily Express.

When Harrison Ford can't get full asking price for his movies you know we're all in trouble. The second Great Depression has officially begun.

Today I saw a Black Asian Irish American Jew with a German Accent

2009-01-20T19:58:00.000-05:00

Today is a historic day regardless of whether you voted for Barack or not. It is great to see ALL types of people celebrating such an amazing part of history. It definitely shows how we've reached a generational change on how we feel about and treat others.

There really isn't anything that I could compare to today but the one thing that at least looked similar would be St. Patrick's Day. Just like everyone becomes Irish and parties together on St. Patrick's Day it was similar to all races and colors partying in the streets today.

So to give an Irish toast to the fact that anything is possible...

Here's to you and yours
And to mine and ours.
And if mine and ours
Ever come across to you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!

You Want Me To Re-Use WHAT???

2009-01-18T19:38:00.004-05:00

I know everyone is trying to cut corners and save money but using washable menstrual pads is a bit too far. This once again helps remind me how lucky I am to be a male vs. a female.

I have no further comments for these products so I'll just take the descriptions right from their website since they speak for themselves.

Lunapads: Every Pad comes with a removable fleece Liner to adjust for optimal absorption & comfort; simply replace the Liner to freshen your Pad.

DivaCup: The DivaCup™ is a small, internally-worn, medical-grade hypoallergenic silicone cup that collects, rather than absorbs, your menstrual flow. The Diva Cup can be worn for up to 12 hours before emptying, washing and reinserting for use for another 12 hours. It can be used for light or moderate flows, and simply emptied more often to accommodate heavy flows.

If you still don't believe these are actual products please check out the website by clicking here.

Imagine If Game

2009-01-05T15:30:00.008-05:00

I used to play the "Imagine If Game" with one of my best friends from college. Basically it consisted of discussing a topic and then at the end of it saying, "Imagine if...".

Following the words, "imagine if", we'd add in something completely ridiculous to make the topic go so far off the mark by the end you'd forget the actual start of your conversation.

For those of you that may or may not know a new sport called XARM, I think the idea came out of an "Imagine If Game" between two people. This is the only way someone would ever come up with a ridiculous sport like this.

I feel the conversation went something like this...

-Hey, I saw a professional arm wrestling tournament on TV the other night. I couldn't believe how strong and tough they are. Pretty crazy that it's considered a sport and it was on TV.

-Yeah but imagine if before they had to arm wrestle their hands were taped together.

-Wow, yeah but imagine if once they had their arms taped together they were also attached to a small table with a metal chain so they couldn't move away from the table.

-That is crazy to think but imagine if you allowed each of the opponents to kick or punch the other person with their other hand and legs while arm wrestling and still being chained to the small table.

-THAT IS IT!!! I think we just came up with a new sport. We'll call it XARM. Basically a person will have 3 rounds of 1 minute each and the winner either has to pin the other person's arm or knock the other person out while one of their hands are taped together and also chained to a small table. Great idea.

Last Christmas

2009-01-03T15:00:00.013-05:00

Even though Christmas is over I'm still hearing Christmas music played wherever I go. I'm definitely not a fan of Christmas Music...sorry "Holiday" Music. I just find most of the music is forced upon the artists to try to come up with something just to make a buck (don't get me wrong if I could make a few million I'd sell out in a minute as well).

U2, Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen, John Lennon, Elvis Presley, Stevie Wonder, and Paul McCartney have all come up with Christmas Music...sorry "Holiday" Music that isn't very good at all but at least some of them are bearable. A few of the oldies like Nat King Cole and Bing Crosby are some of the songs that I enjoy.

I actually don't even mind the most overplayed song in the world, "All I Want For Christmas" by Mariah Carey. This might be due to the fact that my wife absolutely loves it. Since I'm forced to listen to it on my iPod every hour during Christmas I've trained my mind to be okay with the song.

The list of songs that I absolutely can't stand would be way too long to list out so I figured I'd just give you my #1 worst Christmas song...sorry "Holiday" song:

"Last Christmas" by Wham

This has to be the worst attempt at a Christmas song for 2 reasons:

1. This is one of the gayest songs ever. If Richard Simmons were a song instead of an actual person, this song would still be gayer than Richard Simmons. I also get an awful picture in my mind of George Michael carving these lyrics into the door of a bathroom stall.

2. This song has nothing to do with Christmas. This is the ultimate use of throwing the word "Christmas" into a song for the sole purpose of selling this song and re-releasing on different compilations each year. The only part is when it says, "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart."

How did they get away with this? Any artist could have added the word Christmas into their song for no reason...

"Welcome to the Jungle. We've got fun and games. We got everything you want. Just like on Christmas Day." Gun's and Roses

"You gotta fight, for your right, for Chrrriiiiissssttttmassss." Beastie Boys

"Go shorty, it's Christmas. We're going to party like it's Christmas." 50 Cent

Wham did basically what Sesame Street would do by throwing a word into a song to try to make it relate to a situation...

"Letter 'B'" song by Muppets dressed as Beatles instead of "Let Her Be" by The Beatles, etc.

Watch the video for this song and hopefully it creeps you out as much as it does for me.

***The great part about the video is that the actress in it is Sean Young who is actually a man as we all know..."She's not Lois Einhorn ! She's Ray Finkle . She's man . ..... Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn!… Einhorn is a man!!! OH MY GOD!!! EINHORN IS A MAN!" I'm sure George has had a few "guns" digging into his hips in the past.***

Feel free to Leave comments on your #1 song you hate as well.

Auld Lang Syne

2009-01-01T00:01:00.005-05:00

I really hadn't thought of a New Years resolution until about 12:00:02 am on January 1, 2009. Forget losing weight, giving money to charity, being nicer to people, etc....I will save that for more caring people. I found a very important resolution that I must do.

Since New Years is my favorite Holiday I feel that I really need to learn the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne as well as find out the meaning of the song and where it came from.

I love the song and always butcher it each year since never took time to learn or know what the song was. Each year whether drunk or sober (mainly drunk) I've usually sang the song (hummed most of it) like this:

Mike Doolan Lyrics

Should old acquaintance be forgot
and never hmmmm, hmmm, HMMMMMM?
Should old acquaintance be forgot
and days of old ang sign?
For old ang sign, my dear,
for old ang sign,
we'll blah, blah, blah, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmm,
for old ang sign.

Then repeat a lot of humming similar to the first verse...

Please hold me accountable and make sure that on 1/1/10 at 12:00:00am I know the meaning and I'm singing the below lyrics so I don't have to hum the song another year.

Auld Lang Syne Lyrics

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

Background: The song, "Auld Lang Syne," is sung at the stroke of midnight in nearly every English-speaking country in the world to welcome the New Year. Early variations of the song were sung in the 17th century. But writer Robert Burns was inspired to recompose a modern rendition, and the revised version was published in 1796, after Burns' death. An old Scotch tune, "Auld Lang Syne" literally means "old long ago," or simply, "the good old days."

6 More Days

2008-12-19T06:49:00.000-05:00

Getting Old

2008-11-29T22:00:00.002-05:00

When did I start getting those wrinkles around my eyes?

When did I get my first gray hair?

When did I start having less hair on my head and more hair on my back?

When did I start farting everytime I pee?

When did I start watching 60 minutes and actually enjoy it?

All of these questions I do not have any answers for.

Too bad I wasn't like this guy. He ended up taking a picture of himself every day for 17 years. He sped up the pictures and put them into a 2 minute clip. Pretty crazy.

17 Years In 2 Minutes - Watch more free videos

Assdar

2008-11-24T19:25:00.003-05:00

Most of you probably remember John Rocker as the outspoken pitcher who was projected to be the next great reliever in 1999, but he got into hot water in 2000 when he said he didn't like New York and riding on the subway with the "foreigns."

Not sure if others feel that same way but there are some people in this world that even before they open their mouth you know by looking at them that they are a complete asshole.

Not sure what you would call this?

I know if you are good at telling if someone is gay they call it having Gaydar. I guess this would mean that I have Assdar. If I had just met Rocker on the street, my Assdar would have been completely accurate in my assement of him being an asshole.

I would like you to perform your own test to see if you have the special abilities as I do of having Assdar. Take a look at the pictures below:

Without knowing who he is, if you could accurately look at him and say..."Wow, he looks like a real asshole!!!"...then you definitely have Assdar. You can then confirm that you are accurate by reading about the comments he's made in the past and checking out his website. (I do have to admit that I'm thinking about buying one of his T-shirts.)

For those of you that do not have Assdar, studies have shown that this is most likely due to the fact that YOU are actually an asshole. Sorry.

Renegade

2008-11-11T19:58:00.000-05:00

The US secret service is reported to have assigned president-elect Barack Obama the code name 'Renegade'. Lorenzo Lamas stared in a TV series called 'Renegade'.

With this similarity I wanted to dig into this further and find out what else Lorenzo Lamas and Barack Obama have in common.

Obama- Born August 4, 1961
Lamas- Born January 20, 1958

Obama- Raised in Indonesia and Hawaii
Lamas- Raised in Pacific Palisades, California

Obama- During High School he used marijuana, cocaine, and alcohol but never got a unicorn tattoo.
Lamas- Has a tattoo of a woman riding a unicorn on upper back/shoulder. He has said it is a tribute to two of his father's favorite things (women and horses).

Obama- Graduate of Columbia College of Columbia University and Harvard Law School
Lamas- Graduated from Admiral Farragut Academy

Obama- Came from American and Kenyan decent.
Lamas- Mostly of South American heritage (father is Argentinian), but he is partially of Norwegian descent on his mother's side.

Obama- Plays Basketball
Lamas- Black belt of various martial arts: Karate, Kempo, Tae Kwon Do and Jujutsu.

At the end of all my research I found that it was a complete waste of time trying to find similarities. Besides that fact that their last names have 5 letters that is basically the ONLY thing they have in common.

If you're pissed at actually wasting 2 minutes to read this post think about the 30 minutes I spent trying to find something funny or common between them and then coming up with nothing.

10 Things During 13.1

2008-10-23T21:36:00.000-04:00

The top 10 things I learned/observed after running 13.1 miles:

10. The Baystate Marathon was in Lowell, MA and I swear there were a few bums actually running in the race...not kidding...it was a cold day so probably only way they could stay warm.

9. I saw more Camel Toes than a Sahara Desert Safari.

8. I saw full grown men dressed in unitards.

7. At mile eleven when your exhausted and vision starts to get blurly you at least sometimes have this view in front of you to keep you running...

6. Bloody nipples start to kick in after 8 miles.

5. You will never see more people using a restroom than before a race since everyone is over-hydrated.

4. I really don't even know how to stretch before a race but saw more interesting stretches than even Vera De Milo could do.

3. Some of the 50-60 year old runners handled the 30 degree weather better and more manly than I did.

2. I've never run this far in my life without someone chasing me.

1. Lastly, do not get caught down wind running for 2 hours behind someone that obviously ate too much fiber before the race.

Joe The Plumber

2008-10-15T22:14:00.004-04:00

After watching the final presidential debate between Obama and McCain I've decided that I'm going to change my name to Joe and become a Plumber since no matter who gets voted into office I think he is going to make out the best.

For You Joe Six Pack

2008-10-08T21:41:00.008-04:00

This is for all you Joe Six Packs out there. I try to keep my opinions to myself but lately I find myself completely annoyed with so many things starting with the election...

The Candidates:

Never before have I ever been so involved or so informed in politics and the upcoming election. This year is a chance to wipe the slate clean and have the best nominees possible from both parties.

On one side you hear the mention of change. I'm all for change but change to what? It might not always be good.

For example if I currently pissed my pants I'd obviously say that I need a change of pants. If I end up changing into a pair of pants that I shit in the day before...that isn't such a great change.

Then on the other side you hear about being a Maverick and that they are going to change how things are done in Washington. I'm not sure I want to follow any Maverick's anymore. I used follow this Maverick and think this Maverick was cool...

...now he's just a crazy guy that jumps on Oprah's couch.

The Debate Questions:

Now lets discuss the debates. I honestly (not exaggerating) can almost recite word for word what each candidate will say to a question even before they begin to speak. They continue to repeat the same talking points and you never find out anything of substance.

One reason why you don't get any substance is due to the fact that they never answer a fucking question directly!!!

How hard is it? Granted the topics are different but I've been asked similar phrased questions all my life and always had a clear and direct answer...

Mom: "Mike, if you had to put 3 Star Wars figures in the priority in which you want them for your 5th Birthday with the first choice being your top priority...what would it be?

Mike: "Han Solo (Empire Strikes Back Outfit), Boba Fett, and R2D2."

...later in life...

Mom: "Mike, I feel bad that you had to "bailout" your dying car with most of the money you had saved up to go to college. I know the things you wanted to spend money on were books, clothes, calling cards, a hot plate, and beer. Since you don't have as much money due to your car "bailout", what areas do you feel you'll have to cut spending?"

Mike: "I think I'll have to cut all spending on everything except the beer."

The Debate Answers:

Whether you're voting for Obama or McCain I'm sure everyone has an opinion on Sarah Palin...but I have to admit...I like some of her answers better than all the other candidates.

Yes, she definitely does not answer questions directly but I don't even think she knows that she is doing it or what she is actually saying.

I'd rather watch a woman answer a question as is well if should be then we can and will do things and if maverick we don't it definitely is therefore...

....then have 3 other candidates that actually could give direct answers insult my intelligence by blatantly skirting around the question.

What can the candidates do?

I understand that you'll never get a straight answer in politics and some things can't be answered until you're actually in office but they should at least try to come up with specific things that they could have an answer to and maybe make them relate to Americans.

If they were going to relate to me and my concerns I'd like to learn from each of them the following...

Obama: Give me specifics on how to play basketball better. I've never been that good and always wanted to improve.

McCain: Teach me how to marry a millionaire like he did so I don't have to worry about my declining 401K.

Biden: Talk to me about the advantages of hair plugs over using Propecia or Rogaine since I'm starting to lose my hair.

Palin: Help me gather up all my Joe Six Pack friends so I can get drunk and forget about how frustrated I am with this election.

Pete And Repeat Were In A Boat...

2008-10-01T21:48:00.004-04:00

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Repeat

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Repeat

You get the point. I had to repeat a topic I already talked about due to the below beer pong clip that I couldn't pass up. If I had to write a 5 minute prequel to the beginning of this clip I'd imagine it would be something like this:

Setting: College Frat House on Parents Weekend
Plot: Father decides to play Beer Pong at a party
Story Time frame: 5 hours and 36 minutes of drinking

Last Scene: Final Game of Beer Pong

-Son: Guys we've been drinking all day. I know this is the last game but try to go easy on my Dad since he's really drunk.

Father walks in from Kitchen

-Father: Son, lets take these bitches down in this last game. How about we're skins and they are shirts?

-Son: Are you sure?

-Father: Yes, take your shirt off you pussy. I'm paying for this education so you do what I say.

Game continues until there is one cup left before the Father and Son can take the final victory. The rest of the brothers start to egg on the father at this point.

-Brothers: Hey old man...don't choke on this last shot. I hear the nursing home is going to need you back after this game.

-Father: Bull shit. I guarantee that I make this last shot.

-Brothers: No way. You haven't made one yet.

-Father: I bet all you assholes $500 that I will definitely make this last shot.

-Brother: Alright baldy. You're on.

The father proceeds to back up to prepare for his final shot. His son whispers into his ear...

-Son: Dad, are you sure you can do this?

-Father: Just watch and learn my son. Just watch and learn.

Cut to final scene below...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Great Catch

2008-09-28T21:50:00.003-04:00

Watch this catch. Besides Tyree's, this is honestly one of the best catches I've ever seen. The anchor really isn't exaggerating.

Best Football Catch This Year - Watch more free videos

Ranch, Light Ranch, or Licked Ranch

2008-09-17T00:40:00.000-04:00

While we're on the subject...how about those salad bars?

Don't even get me started on how much buffet/salad bars freak me out in terms of germs.

I once was at a Bonanza which had a large buffet. As I sat eating my dinner I watched everyone go up and grab their food. This one man who appeared to be a bit slow decided that he would like some Ranch Dressing on his salad. After he was done pouring the dressing he decided the best thing to do would be to lick the entire ladle he used to pour the dressing and then proceed to put it right back in the tub of Ranch dressing.

Now most of your are thinking what type of person would do that?

That is gross and awful...but before passing judgement on the slow person you might want to remember that I actually saw it happen. I then watched at least 3 more people dive in and pour Ranch dressing on their salads with the same licked over ladle before telling someone.

Hey...I was only about 9 at the time and thought it was more funny than gross.

Enjoy the attached clip for a great prank call from a Stern staffer to a woman that works at a buffet. Hysterical.

Bonehead (bōn'hĕd')

2008-09-16T14:17:00.003-04:00

Bonehead (bōn'hĕd'):

n. Informal.
A stupid person; a dunce.

Meaning #1: these words are used to express a low opinion of someone's intelligence Synonyms: dunce, dunderhead, numskull, blockhead, lunkhead, hammerhead, knucklehead, loggerhead, muttonhead, shithead, fuckhead

Screw, Marry, Kill

2008-09-04T10:01:00.008-04:00

The following three women would make one of the hardest games of Screw, Marry, Kill ever.

There Is Someone For Everyone

2008-08-26T20:21:00.002-04:00

My father has always said, "there is someone for everyone". It is so true.

No More Partying Like A Rock Star

2008-08-25T19:56:00.010-04:00

I always used to think that partying like a rock star was the ultimate in partying. You always hear bands that get in fights during a concert, jump off the stage, forget the words to songs, trash hotel rooms, bite the heads off bats, etc.

Do you really think bands today like the Jonas Brothers, Maroon Five, and Fall Out Boy are really partying like the rock stars of old?

Since there are no true rock bands that are bad ass enough to party like rock stars I'm going to say that I'm partying like a R&B Star from now on.

Jodeci, who is a washed up R&B group, decided to have a reunion show. Here is a list of the many things that went wrong during this recent show:

Only two of the original members (K-Ci and Jo-Jo) actually showed up and performed at the concert.
Jo-Jo barely made it through the concert since he was messed up on something (alcohol, drugs, etc.)
Jo-Jo completely passes out during the encore on stage while his brother continues to sing to a back track.
A security guard who you think will walk on stage and pick him up only picks up his microphone and keeps walking.
While his brother is still lying on the ground K-Ci shouts to the crowd, "Guys, give it up for Jo-Jo."

See the clip below. It is classic.

So the next time someone asks you how hard you partied the night before, make sure to tell them you Partied Like a R&B Star!!!

Send Me An Angel

2008-08-23T22:18:00.005-04:00

I just heard this song today in the car and I can't help but think of the movie "Rad" every time I hear it.

For those that have never seen this movie you are missing what might be the greatest movie of all time. Check it out.

Where else can you find Uncle Jessie's girlfriend before Full House, rad bike moves from 80's pro-freestyle bikers, bad guys dressed in 80's gear that look like they just got off the Starship Enterprise, and an obvious male stunt double for Uncle Jessie's girlfriend.

Watch this movie if you never have and I promise you whenever you here Send Me An Angel by Real Life again you will not be able to think of anything else besides this scene in the movie.

Star Wars: Episode X- The Pottery Barn Strikes Back

2008-08-22T14:41:00.013-04:00

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

...I used to live in an apartment by myself. I was able to decorate however I wanted.

Then I moved in with my wife in which the entire decor had to be a Pottery Barn theme. I have to admit that I don't mind Pottery Barn decor but wasn't excited about it...until now.

They've come out with Pottery Barn Star Wars decor. Before I moved in with my wife she would have never let me keep Star Wars decorations around but now that Pottery Barn makes it I now have a shot.

...and yes, I know that this Pottery Barn decor is geared towards 6-8 year old boys but I figure I have two girls now and may never have a boy so need to convice my wife to let me decorate our room like below...

Leroi Moore 1961-2008

2008-08-20T21:30:00.010-04:00

I was very sad to hear about Leroi Moore. I hadn't seen them in concert in about 6 years so I decided to get a ticket this year and see them by myself this past June. Very glad I did.

I was also very sad to see that an 8 gold medal winner wears his hat like a big dork.

I'm Calling About The Kenmore Dryer?

2008-08-06T21:06:00.004-04:00

This is a great prank call. It is from a guy, Richard Christy, that works on the Howard Stern show. I've been meaning to post this for awhile.

You probably have to listen a couple times to get the true genius of this call. He ends up calling a woman that is selling a few different items.

Before he calls her he pre-records a bunch of different things to say to her on a sound board. As he talks he'll hit some of the pre-recorded phrases so he talks over himself....too hard to explain.

Just listen to it.

It is great.

You Don't Have To Drink To Have Fun

2008-08-01T07:15:00.003-04:00

That is what the makers of a game called "Pong Toss" for the Nintendo Wii hope.

They couldn't call it "Beer Pong" so had to stick with "Pong Toss".

I really don't think this will ever beat playing the real thing. The only way this would be as good as the real thing is if you're able to share backwash with others, wash the balls after falling on the floor in a cup of water, and potentially end up puking in the corner after playing 10 games in a row.

I guess on a positive note you'll never end up waking up in bed the next morning with a massive headache and next to the girl you "thought" looked good after playing 27 games of Beer Pong.

When I Grow Up I Want To Be Big John?

2008-07-31T07:30:00.000-04:00

I promise I'll never get too preachy or take political sides on my blog but I will make sure to crack on all political candidates as much as possible. I've included 2 ridiculous clips below.

This is absolutely genius if Ludacris is secretly working for the McCain party.

This next clip is an add for a Senator in Texas who was running for office. It is truly classic. I think Big John should be our next President.

This Is Mike...How Can I Help You?

2008-07-30T11:25:00.007-04:00

This is not a joke. This isn't one of those made up customer complaints that get forwarded around.

This is an actual email from a customer about a sales rep that works for my company. The only thing I changed was the name of the employee and customer name. Other than that this is the actual email that I received from a customer complaining about a sales rep.

Arturo Nunez: 07/27/08 06:02 Do you always hire ASSHOLES asuch as Johnathan Smith in Corpus Christi? He is a chronic LIAR and an extremly sorry excuse as a sales rep. It took eight weeks for us to get our upgrade to a satisfactory level. He needs TO GO! I will give you two examples of what I speak of; When I asked him for his home office phn.# and physical address, he repolied that "it's not for customer's" Ha! Ha! Ha! Then, he calls back to tell me that he's going to give me the phn.# but to "not let anybody know that he had given it to me"! Sooooooooooooon! He gave me the service call number-what a dick.This bitch took me for stupid. Of the 100 or so messages that I have left him on his voice mail, he has returned-maybe ten. Listen, I'm 54 yrs old, I am a Viet-Vet,and a multi craftsman-welder, pipe fitter, sheet metal worker(four year apprenticeship) AND a salesman. I have an AA in applied sciences. I have been to 7 different countries, have been to prison twice, got beaten and left for dead, have been shot twice, I have survived my first wife and have been around the block once or twice. To have this PUNK insult me like that was as degrading to me as being told to "sit inthe back of the bus". Now THAT was a fuck up.....excuse my French but when I speak or think of this winnie, I............catch my drift?
System: 07/29/08 14:47 Change Notification of Department set to Sales/Product Information

I'm actually responsible for having to reply to this. I'm still trying to figure out if I should help him out with his phone issues he may have or just ask him to grab a drink and listen to his life stories...this guy is classic.

What's The Over/Under?

2008-07-29T14:35:00.007-04:00

Donaghy Receives 15 months Despite Cooperation

Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy was sentenced Tuesday in a New York court to 15 months in prison for his role in the betting scandal that has rocked the league.

Donaghy, 41, pleaded guilty last August to conspiracy to engage in wire fraud and transmitting betting information through interstate commerce.

Vegas has also reported odds as well on his 15 month stay in prison. The over/under for Donaghy tossing another inmate's salad is 4 days.

Good luck Tim!!!

I put my bet on the under...sorry. Maybe you can at least look forward to being the referee for the Prison Basketball League.

Farts Are Always Funny

2008-07-24T22:20:00.000-04:00

What is it about farts that are always funny?

Is it the noise that is made?

Is it the awful smell?

Is it seeing others reactions to it?

I have read funny articles, I've seen funny comedians, I have watched funny shows/movies, and I have a lot of funny friends but nothing will get more of a consistent laugh each and every time than a fart does.

I'm 32 years old and when I join conference calls at work it asks you to record your voice. Most of the time I record a fart noise so when I enter the conference call others hear, "BBBFFFFRRRR has joined the conference". Each and every time time I do it I get a huge laugh. These are professional adults that still crack up after hearing a fart noise.

Farts could have a lot of power to change things in this world and make the world a lot happier. It would be a great stress reliever in tense situations. I know it would help me with bad news. Someone could tell me just about any terrible thing and if they ended with a fart I'd have to laugh.

"Mike, Global Warming has sped up and will destroy the Earth in 2 years...BBBFFFFRRRR"

"Mike, Steph has been sleeping with the UPS man...BBBFFFFRRRR"

"Mike, you've been diagnosed with a rare disease in which you will have a permanent erection but will never have any feeling in your penis...BBBFFFFRRRR"

The reason I decided to spend so much time thinking and writing a post about farts is due to my nephews. They asked me to pull up a funny clip on You Tube that I posted below. I didn't expect myself to laugh but I found myself laughing harder than a 6 and 7 year old.

...once again it proves my point that no matter when or at what age you hear a fart it is always funny.

"Stop Bruce...Stop!!!", cried Martha Wayne.

2008-07-22T11:43:00.006-04:00

Would Bruce Wayne have assaulted his mother? No way.

I always thought Christian Bale was a good Bruce Wayne but now that he's been allegedly arrested for assaulting his mother and sister he'd be better off playing the mugger that killed Martha Wayne.

I heard that the reason Christian assualted his mother and sister was because they told him Val Kilmer was a better Batman and that Adam West looked better in a batsuit than he did.

Dancing With The Criminals

2008-07-20T09:52:00.008-04:00

If you think prison life is easy...think again. You need to worry about gangs, corrupt prison guards, being raped, and also learning dance steps.

The below is a tape of a Filipino Prison that actual puts on dance shows. I could see someone getting them on Dancing With The Stars some day.

Carrie Ann Inaba: "It started off a little slow but towards the end the chain gang ended with a bang! A few of you need to watch your posture a bit but I'd have to say overall great job. I love how you tie everything together with the orange outfits."

Len Goodman: "No, no, no Carrie. Once again you don't know what you're talking about. The rapist in the back row was completely off on his timing, I specifically saw the crack dealer do a lift which is not allowed, and when the visitors section started dancing it completely ruined everything. No one was using proper technique. Awful...just awful."

Bruno Tonioli: "Lord of the Dance meet Lord of the Inmates. You all danced around the courtyard like a pedophile floats around a playground. It was a magical display of prisoner passion with dancing like I've never seen before. If you are all this good at dancing in the courtyard I wonder what it's like in the showers. You all make me want to get arrested and put in prison."

Can I Have A Water With Fecal Matter Please?

2008-07-19T00:12:00.001-04:00

When did restaurants start assuming that everyone wants a lemon wedge when you order a water?

I can't go anywhere these days without ordering a water and having it come with a lemon wedge on the side of the glass. Each time I now must ask to have a water without lemon. It is very frustrating.

For those of you that say, "Screw you Mike, I like lemons with my water so stop complaining", you might want to think again and start ordering like I do.

See the clip below.

Tour of Italy

2008-07-16T21:13:00.007-04:00

Playboy just came out with "The Girls of the Olive Garden".

I hear that the magazine comes with a 45 minute wait, endless bowl of pasta, breadsticks, and a side order of slut in a cream sauce.

Madonna Who?

2008-07-15T21:36:00.005-04:00

This is the real reason why A-Rod's wife wants to leave him.

I heard that the guy rubbing him down can also Vogue really well.

Three Six OOOOH!!!!

2008-07-15T20:44:00.006-04:00

Tag Your Man!!! Head to Head!!!

Dance 360 was the best show on television.

Dance 360 was a hip-hop dance competition show. Hosts Fredro Starr and Kel Mitchell would pick 6 dancers out of the crowd to compete for $360 in cash and a prize package.

What made the show so great is where else could you have the crowd more excited than the Oprah free give away show and get to see two white boys break dancing.

The crowd would vote and narrow down the competition to two dancers. They would shout out "Tag Your Man" in which each person would take turns dancing. They would then shout out "Head to Head" in which both dancers would then dance at the same time. This was an extremely complicated show to explain so I hope I didn't lose anyone.

For those that have never seen this show I feel sorry for you. You are missing what might be one of the best 1/2 hours of television in history. The show originally aired from Aug 30, 2004 to Sept 9, 2005. It is now in syndication.

Once in awhile if you're lucky you can still catch a re-run usually on Weekend mornings. For now enjoy the below clip.

Got Milk?

2008-07-14T17:44:00.000-04:00

I'm all for the benefits of breast feeding but come on...once your kid has their driving permit it's time to stop.

I saw this on TV and couldn't believe it. Don't worry, I'm sure these girls will turn out completely normal.

...and to think that I was embarassed when my mom wanted me to drink Orange Juice over Soda at that age.

***Warning: You will never be the same after watching this video.***

Super Unitards

2008-07-12T09:44:00.004-04:00

Thinking back to when I was a kid I always thought how cool it would be to fly like Superman, run like The Flash, and swing from building to building like Spider-Man.

At an older age when trying to dress as a Superhero for a costume party I appreciated Superheros for another reason...they looked a lot better in a unitard than I did.

It also made me think...why do most Superheros where unitards for an outfit? It's definitely not a very manly costume to fight crime in. To this day I won't sleep naked in case someone breaks into my house late at night since I wouldn't want to fight someone naked.

I give Superheros credit since besides a cape and a belt they are basically fighting in a uniform that is mainly worn by young girls once a year at a dance recital.

Enjoy the below clip. Also click here for another Superhero that I definitely wouldn't want to fight naked.

Just Say No...To Camel Toe

2008-07-02T20:51:00.004-04:00

And I thought my 70's costume I wore this past weekend was funny...

Talk about going all out to get a laugh.

Bo Knows Tecmo

2008-07-01T21:46:00.001-04:00

Many consider Bo Jackson one of the greatest all around professional athletes of all-time. Others that aren't into sports would only know him for his "Bo Knows" Nike commercials.

I on the other hand like to remember him as the greatest Tecmo Bowl running back of all-time. For those that used to play this Nintendo game you know what I'm talking about. Here is a preview of how ridiculously good they made his character on Tecmo Bowl.

Everyone that played this game will find this the best post ever. For those that didn't...sorry...I can't just write about Triple Nipples all the time.

The Man Hug

2008-06-30T07:00:00.001-04:00

After a weekend away with the boys for a golf tournament I started to think back to all the man hugs that took place.

Greeting everyone I hadn't seen in awhile

After a great shot

Random drunk hugs since someone was really happy

During a game of flip cups

Saying goodbye

The Man Hug is now a very common practice among men these days. I find myself giving more man hugs to guys that I haven't seen in a long time vs. just shaking their hand.

When did this become the norm?

I just can't seem to picture my grandfather who was a hockey player (back in the days before helmets), fought in WWII, and had Popeye forearms ever giving his friends a man hug.

Some man hugs are acceptable...

Some man hugs are never acceptable...

For now I will go along with the new age and continue to give man hugs when needed. I'll just make sure to try an avoid looking like this when I'm giving one...

Next Blog>>

2008-06-25T22:53:00.005-04:00

Not sure if others of you have done what I have before but sometimes I'll click on the "Next Blog>>" icon at the top of the page.

When doing this you get to see other blogs, get ideas, etc. Some people use it for family photos, showing off art/pictures, or use it for random thoughts.

Most of the time I've quickly looked through and never really stopped on one to examine it...until I saw this...

I know this question might come across as cruel but I swear I'm really not sure...is that a man or a woman?

After seeing this I will never click on the "Next Blog>>" icon again.

I believe the Blog is in Spanish so if you can read it better than my Spanish 1 skills by all means leave a comment on whether this is a man or a woman.

Click here to go to the blog.

Kazaam Jam

2008-06-25T21:12:00.008-04:00

"Kobi, tell me how my ass tastes?"

I know what you're thinking...these brilliant lyrics must have been from a great singer song writer such as Springsteen, Wonder, Lennon, or Dylan...but they weren't. These classic lyrics were written by Shaquille O'Neal.

Do you really think if there was You Tube back in the 50's and 60's that you would catch Bill Russell doing something this classy?

I guess he would have done one about Wilt Chamberlain his biggest rival.

Check it...
You know how I be...
Last week Wilt couldn't win against me

While Wilt was trying to get 20,000 in bed
I spent my time winning 11 for Red

Everybody...
Wilt...tell me how my ass tastes.

**Dave D...per your request**

Thanks For Leaving Your Stuff Behind

2008-06-23T10:32:00.006-04:00

I was very sad to hear about George Carlin passing away. He is one of the all time greats.

Luckily over the years he has left us a lot of funny "stuff" that we can watch over and over again.

Enjoy.

Men Are Better Than Women...Right?

2008-06-19T22:20:00.001-04:00

Men are better than women...right?

Men are better at sports than women...right?

Men are smarter than women...right?

Men can drive better than women...right?

Men are stronger than women...right?

There is one thing I've learned in this short life and that is women can definitely surprise you. Don't ever doubt what a woman is capable of. If you have any doubt please watch a childbirth video.

The guy in the below video probably wishes he listened to my advise to never underestimate a woman. They should play this clip at the beginning of every feminist meeting.

Hit Me - The best video clips are here

English, Inglés, Engleski, Engels, Englisch, Engelsk, الانجليزيه

2008-06-18T07:00:00.000-04:00

As I sat on a conference call last night interviewing employees from China I realized how much the rest of the world really wants to learn English and Americans could care less.

You can even tell from my grammar and writing in this blog that most foreign people (persons...not sure) have a better understanding of the English language than I do and many others.

I can't even speak English that good...I mean well.

The below is a very funny commercial. At first I thought the commercial was genius marketing. As I thought about it more, those that need this company's service would never really get the joke or understand the commercial.

Tony vs. Tiger

2008-06-17T18:30:00.001-04:00

As I sat watching Tiger try to win the US Open my wife wanted to keep changing the channel to the Tony Awards.

Which would you prefer to watch?

VS.

Obviously I'll answer my own question. Of course I'd rather watch golf vs. the Tony Awards. That answer would be the more manly thing to say...right?

Well maybe not.

Although Award Shows are very boring 4 hour shows filled with very effeminate men, over the top singing and acting, and always including a whacked out Liza Minelli they also offer hot woman/celebrities dressed in very little clothing.

On the other hand is Golf. It includes dramatic finishes, an intricate game of physical and mental strength, and great courses. The only problem is that it's a sport predominantly played by men and butch woman so their isn't much eye candy. I'm not much for staring at men for 4 hours either.

So I'll ask the question one more time...

Which would you prefer to watch?

VS.

The more I think about it I'd rather watch neither and just watch Tiger's wife...

Or we can just combine the Tony Awards and Tiger and we'd end up with this...

***I wrote this Sunday night and then just watched Tiger win the US Open yesterday...he's GRRRRRRREAT.***

Be Like Mike

2008-06-15T12:05:00.000-04:00

Now that I'm back on the band wagon and cheering on the Celtics I've started to think back to the last time I was actually excited about watching basketball.

The last time I was excited was when this guy was playing. I was a die hard Celtics fan but I don't care who you were growing up in the 80's/90's everyone was also a Michael Jordan fan.

The song says Be like Mike, not Be like Kobe. Jordan is still the greatest.

Sam Bowie who? I guess the one positive thing that Sam Bowie can be happy about is that at least he didn't lose 168 million in a divorce.

I Hate Free Shit

2008-06-12T21:39:00.002-04:00

The below Oprah clip is a perfect example of what is wrong with Americans.

How can people get this excited about free shit?

I could see if Oprah had announced they found a cure for cancer, finally caught Bin Laden, found a way to bring loved ones back from the dead, stopped global warming, or discovered a way solve world hunger all in one show...

...but no...

...these woman are getting free DreamTime Foot Cozys, Karmal Mini Crates, Pillsbury Homebaked Classics, Josh Groban Noel CD, Breville Ikon Panini Press, Rachel Pally Swing Turtleneck and Sailor Pants, and Apple Bottom Jeans by Nelly.

I wish I made this up but these were examples of the free shit given out that these women were freaking out over.

I didn't even get this excited over my two children being born.

Got Oil?

2008-06-11T21:15:00.001-04:00

That seems to be the question these days.

There is a new TV show coming out called Black Gold. It is from the makers of the Deadliest Catch. Hopefully they can find enough oil to get us back under a dollar a gallon...I'll even take two dollars at this point.

Since it doesn't appear that gas prices will be coming down anytime soon it looks like I'll have plenty of time to watch this show when it comes out since I can't afford to leave the house or drive my car.

I included a clip below. It's about "Understanding Roughnecks".

Looks pretty good. When I watch this clip it reminds me so much of my desk job...

Black Gold - Understanding Roughnecks - Watch more free videos

The Hulk or Larry Bird?

2008-06-10T16:49:00.015-04:00

Is it just me or should Ed Norton be playing Larry Bird's life story vs. playing The Hulk?

Ed is starting to look like a skinny version of Larry these days.

The Hulk and Larry Bird have a lot in common:

-Both are very tall: The Grey Hulk stands at 6 feet 6 inches tall and Larry stands at 6 feet 9 inches tall.
-Both had troubled childhoods growing up which defined their future.
-Both have mild mannered personalities until they get mad and then dominate their competition.
-Both are defined by the color green.

The Hulk also has one of the greatest & fastest healing abilities in the Marvel Universe. He can heal in a matter of minutes from wounds that would prove deadly or incapacitating to nearly everyone else.

This is very similar to Larry. He had one of the greatest & fastest healing abilities in the NBA Universe. He can heal in a matter of minutes from wounds that would keep anyone else out of a playoff game.

Check out Larry's super human strength in the clip below. Go Celtics!!!

Makes a great camp towel...and dries pets too!!!

2008-06-09T10:12:00.007-04:00

Have you ever seen a product that could be advertised as a great camp towel and dries pets too?

The ShamWow infomercial is quite possibly the best infomercial I've ever seen. I cannot stop watching this commercial when it comes on. Like most infomercials they play it repeatedly over and over. I have yet to only watch it once.

The problem with the commercial is that I think it's so good it puts you in a trance and you forget to order the product.

I love the headset this guy has and the fact that he has to ask the cameraman, "you following this camera guy?". It's also great how he introduces himself as Fitz like we know who he actually is.

Let me know if you can watch it only once. If you can you have more self control than I do...or at least more of a life.

Did you get the Memo?

2008-06-05T16:14:00.006-04:00

This has to be one of the best office freak outs ever. This guy just doesn't stop. I've seen others that last about 20 seconds but this guy goes postal for over 2 1/2 minutes.

I've internally felt like this as work but what makes someone snap this bad? Did he continue to get annoying blog updates from one of his friends? Did the guy picking up the papers near his desk give him a ball tap? Did someone tell his co-workers that he had a triple nipple?

I guess we'll never know. All I know is this guy is pissed.

***After posting I ended up finding out this was fake. Click here to read about it.***

So These Are My Choices

2008-06-04T22:09:00.010-04:00

We've all waited 8 years for two new candidates. Here are our choices to turn our country around.

I guess it could be worse if these were our two choices for candidates.

Kaboom

2008-06-02T22:14:00.007-04:00

Throughout my life I'm been okay at a lot of things. I always did well in school and was average when playing sports but was never great at anything...except for 1 thing...

I have to admit that I'm probably one of the best to ever play the game Kaboom for the Atari 2600. Yes, I'd like to say that I can dunk a basketball better than anyone, play the guitar better than anyone, have sex longer than a porn star, or get more super delegate votes than Hillary/Obama, but I can't. I can only say that I mastered a game that isn't even made anymore.

For those of you that might not remember this game I've linked it below. It was one of the games that required the special roller joystick. If anyone wants to challenge me...bring it on.

Please don't be too intimidated by my greatness. I know everyone reading this is jealous.

Forget a Tom Tom...you just need a Bill Bill

2008-05-31T09:51:00.015-04:00

You don't need a GPS if you have Bill Amarosa with you. Bill is one of my friends who recently set the world record for riding the entire NYC Subway system on a single fare. He made the Guinness Book of World Records with a time of 24 hours, 54 minutes, 3 seconds.

I kid you not, if you are ever lost in NYC and need to get somewhere Bill can tell you the best route off the top of his head. I actually had to test his knowledge once when my wife called me lost in NYC.

I called Bill and had to ask how to get from where she was to the Bergen stop in Brooklyn. In two seconds he was able to give me the stops and trains that she needed to take. If you want to learn more about his World Record challenge click here.

For those that don't want to read more about Bill then feel free to enjoy the below video of a Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing at a Subway stop in NYC. Next time you're embarrassed to get up and dance at a wedding think of the balls this guy has to dance in front of everyone.

You can also click here to link to The Furthest Point blog to find out some of the challeges that Bill might have had to face along the way to setting his record.

Memorial Day

2008-05-30T21:16:00.003-04:00

Since this week was Memorial Day I figured I'd talk about a Patriotic new way in which I feel we should honor our National Anthem.

It is very disappointing these days when watching people at a sporting event during the singing of the National Anthem. Only a handful of mainly older people stand up, take off their hats, and place their right hand over their heart. This is how it should be done to honor what our country and the National Anthem stands for.

For the majority of people they may or may not stand, some don't even take off their hats, and most even if standing and taking off their hats don't put their right hand over their heart.

Since I don't want to sound like a bitter old man and I do understand times have changed I figured I'd come up with a compromise to start to get more people honoring our National Anthem. The next time you hear the National Anthem I suggest you show your respect as represented below...

I guarantee that this will at least get more men to stand up and honor our National Anthem.

On a more serious note I do love the country that I live in, I appreciate all those currently fighting for our freedom, and I appreciate all those that have given their lives to defending our country.

Three of my grandparents served in WWII and my father served in Vietnam. Lets take time this week to remember those that are no longer here that served or may have even lost their lives while serving.

Don't worry...this will be about as serious as I will get in my blog. I still prefer writing about topics like Triple Nipples.

Triple Nipple

2008-05-28T13:26:00.011-04:00

For those that were at Hampton Beach this weekend you'll know why I was inspired to learn more about Triple Nipples. For those that weren't there I played a Triple Nipple song on the guitar. It turned into hours of drunken enjoyment and sing alongs.

Since I could not get the stupid song out of my head for two days I decided that I needed to know more about Triple Nipples if I was going to continue to sing a song about it.

After searching on the Internet I found a few things:

-1 in 18 people have a Triple Nipple. I send my blog updates to more than 18 people so that means someone reading this right now has one...fess up.

-There is an actual beer called Triple Nipple. Not really but still a creative beer logo.

-There is a joke website dedicated to Triple Nipples. The website is: http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~wenz/mainpage.html

In all my research the only thing that would be better than seeing a Triple Nipple would be a Triple Boob...

For anyone reading this that has a Triple Nipple please feel free to add a comment or picture.

Indiana Jones: Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

2008-05-22T08:12:00.004-04:00

I ended up being one of those geeks that went to the new Indiana Jones movie at 12:15am last night. I was going into it expecting to be disappointed and knowing that this would probably be my least favorite out of all of the movies. Even with those expectations I still never dreamed of how I would really feel...it was awful.

For those that might still want to see this movie I won't give anything away. Some of the things that were fine were:

- Harrison Ford's age: Obviously everyone kept talking about how old he is and would look and act. Obviously he does look older in the movie but he was still able to pull it off. He played an older Indiana and it seemed to fit OK. Seeing him in recent interviews talking and moving around you would think that he should have a walker but in the movie he was a bit better than I expected.

- Indiana Jones' Outfit: Always cool. Also one of the main reasons that I stopped wearing jeans to school and started wearing pants like him after seeing Raiders of The Lost Ark. To this day I'm still trying to find a hat that fits like his...still looking.

- John Williams' Score: How can you not like the music...brings back memories...

I'll give you my thoughts on what the different title choices for the movie should have been which will give you hints into why I felt the movie was so bad.

Indiana Jones:

"Kingdom Of The Gofers From Caddyshack"
"How To Swing With Monkeys"
"Raiders Of The Lost E.T."
"Temple Of The Crazy Men Leaping Out Of Cave Walls"
"How To Survive A Nuclear Explosion"

This is a G...This is a D...This is a C

2008-05-17T21:17:00.001-04:00

Little did I know that by showing my friend's younger brother these three chords on the guitar that some day he'd have a band that sells out shows, has over 4 CD's, and just created their first video.

The name of the band is Barefoot Truth.

Check out their first video above called Reelin'. Even if it's not your type of music send along to others that might like their music. I've linked their website as well which shows upcoming concert dates, etc.

If you have trouble linking their website is: http://www.barefoottruth.com/.

Student Council

2008-05-16T22:18:00.004-04:00

This is a continuation from a post on The Furthest Point blog. It talks about an upcoming Oliver Stone movie called "W".

Does Elizabeth Banks really look like Laura Bush?

I can confidently say, "No". Why can I say "No" without any question or doubt...well I went to high school with her. While I'm not sure how she'll do acting as Laura Bush I do know that she has experience in politics.

Elizabeth (Liz) and I were on the Pittsfield High School Student Council. She was two years older than I was and was always vetoing my attempts to improve our school.

She never liked my suggestions for White T-Shirt Cheerleader Car Washes, a Pancake Breakfast for Guidance Councilors, or a Battle of the Bands concert in which the lead singer attempts to light himself on fire during a pep rally (this actually happened).

So while I'm not so sure how this movie will do at least they chose an actor that has a background in politics. Her real name is Elizabeth (Liz) Mitchell but this name was already taken by another actress. She had to use her mother's maiden name of Banks. For those of you that are J.J. Abrams, Lost, geeks then you'll be able to figure out who has the name Elizabeth Mitchell.