10 Things During 13.1

The top 10 things I learned/observed after running 13.1 miles:

10. The Baystate Marathon was in Lowell, MA and I swear there were a few bums actually running in the race...not kidding...it was a cold day so probably only way they could stay warm.

9. I saw more Camel Toes than a Sahara Desert Safari.

8. I saw full grown men dressed in unitards.

7. At mile eleven when your exhausted and vision starts to get blurly you at least sometimes have this view in front of you to keep you running...

6. Bloody nipples start to kick in after 8 miles.

5. You will never see more people using a restroom than before a race since everyone is over-hydrated.

4. I really don't even know how to stretch before a race but saw more interesting stretches than even Vera De Milo could do.

3. Some of the 50-60 year old runners handled the 30 degree weather better and more manly than I did.

2. I've never run this far in my life without someone chasing me.

1. Lastly, do not get caught down wind running for 2 hours behind someone that obviously ate too much fiber before the race.

Joe The Plumber

After watching the final presidential debate between Obama and McCain I've decided that I'm going to change my name to Joe and become a Plumber since no matter who gets voted into office I think he is going to make out the best.

For You Joe Six Pack

This is for all you Joe Six Packs out there. I try to keep my opinions to myself but lately I find myself completely annoyed with so many things starting with the election...

The Candidates:

Never before have I ever been so involved or so informed in politics and the upcoming election. This year is a chance to wipe the slate clean and have the best nominees possible from both parties.

On one side you hear the mention of change. I'm all for change but change to what? It might not always be good.

For example if I currently pissed my pants I'd obviously say that I need a change of pants. If I end up changing into a pair of pants that I shit in the day before...that isn't such a great change.

Then on the other side you hear about being a Maverick and that they are going to change how things are done in Washington. I'm not sure I want to follow any Maverick's anymore. I used follow this Maverick and think this Maverick was cool...

...now he's just a crazy guy that jumps on Oprah's couch.

The Debate Questions:

Now lets discuss the debates. I honestly (not exaggerating) can almost recite word for word what each candidate will say to a question even before they begin to speak. They continue to repeat the same talking points and you never find out anything of substance.

One reason why you don't get any substance is due to the fact that they never answer a fucking question directly!!!

How hard is it? Granted the topics are different but I've been asked similar phrased questions all my life and always had a clear and direct answer...

Mom: "Mike, if you had to put 3 Star Wars figures in the priority in which you want them for your 5th Birthday with the first choice being your top priority...what would it be?

Mike: "Han Solo (Empire Strikes Back Outfit), Boba Fett, and R2D2."

...later in life...

Mom: "Mike, I feel bad that you had to "bailout" your dying car with most of the money you had saved up to go to college. I know the things you wanted to spend money on were books, clothes, calling cards, a hot plate, and beer. Since you don't have as much money due to your car "bailout", what areas do you feel you'll have to cut spending?"

Mike: "I think I'll have to cut all spending on everything except the beer."

The Debate Answers:

Whether you're voting for Obama or McCain I'm sure everyone has an opinion on Sarah Palin...but I have to admit...I like some of her answers better than all the other candidates.

Yes, she definitely does not answer questions directly but I don't even think she knows that she is doing it or what she is actually saying.

I'd rather watch a woman answer a question as is well if should be then we can and will do things and if maverick we don't it definitely is therefore...

....then have 3 other candidates that actually could give direct answers insult my intelligence by blatantly skirting around the question.

What can the candidates do?

I understand that you'll never get a straight answer in politics and some things can't be answered until you're actually in office but they should at least try to come up with specific things that they could have an answer to and maybe make them relate to Americans.

If they were going to relate to me and my concerns I'd like to learn from each of them the following...

Obama: Give me specifics on how to play basketball better. I've never been that good and always wanted to improve.

McCain: Teach me how to marry a millionaire like he did so I don't have to worry about my declining 401K.

Biden: Talk to me about the advantages of hair plugs over using Propecia or Rogaine since I'm starting to lose my hair.

Palin: Help me gather up all my Joe Six Pack friends so I can get drunk and forget about how frustrated I am with this election.

Pete And Repeat Were In A Boat...

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Repeat

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Repeat

You get the point. I had to repeat a topic I already talked about due to the below beer pong clip that I couldn't pass up. If I had to write a 5 minute prequel to the beginning of this clip I'd imagine it would be something like this:

Setting: College Frat House on Parents Weekend
Plot: Father decides to play Beer Pong at a party
Story Time frame: 5 hours and 36 minutes of drinking

Last Scene: Final Game of Beer Pong

-Son: Guys we've been drinking all day. I know this is the last game but try to go easy on my Dad since he's really drunk.

Father walks in from Kitchen

-Father: Son, lets take these bitches down in this last game. How about we're skins and they are shirts?

-Son: Are you sure?

-Father: Yes, take your shirt off you pussy. I'm paying for this education so you do what I say.

Game continues until there is one cup left before the Father and Son can take the final victory. The rest of the brothers start to egg on the father at this point.

-Brothers: Hey old man...don't choke on this last shot. I hear the nursing home is going to need you back after this game.

-Father: Bull shit. I guarantee that I make this last shot.

-Brothers: No way. You haven't made one yet.

-Father: I bet all you assholes $500 that I will definitely make this last shot.

-Brother: Alright baldy. You're on.

The father proceeds to back up to prepare for his final shot. His son whispers into his ear...

-Son: Dad, are you sure you can do this?

-Father: Just watch and learn my son. Just watch and learn.

Cut to final scene below...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Great Catch

Watch this catch. Besides Tyree's, this is honestly one of the best catches I've ever seen. The anchor really isn't exaggerating.


Best Football Catch This Year - Watch more free videos

Ranch, Light Ranch, or Licked Ranch

While we're on the subject...how about those salad bars?

Don't even get me started on how much buffet/salad bars freak me out in terms of germs.

I once was at a Bonanza which had a large buffet. As I sat eating my dinner I watched everyone go up and grab their food. This one man who appeared to be a bit slow decided that he would like some Ranch Dressing on his salad. After he was done pouring the dressing he decided the best thing to do would be to lick the entire ladle he used to pour the dressing and then proceed to put it right back in the tub of Ranch dressing.


Now most of your are thinking what type of person would do that?

That is gross and awful...but before passing judgement on the slow person you might want to remember that I actually saw it happen. I then watched at least 3 more people dive in and pour Ranch dressing on their salads with the same licked over ladle before telling someone.

Hey...I was only about 9 at the time and thought it was more funny than gross.

Enjoy the attached clip for a great prank call from a Stern staffer to a woman that works at a buffet. Hysterical.

Bonehead (bōn'hĕd')

Bonehead (bōn'hĕd'):

n. Informal.
A stupid person; a dunce.

Meaning #1: these words are used to express a low opinion of someone's intelligence Synonyms: dunce, dunderhead, numskull, blockhead, lunkhead, hammerhead, knucklehead, loggerhead, muttonhead, shithead, fuckhead

Screw, Marry, Kill

The following three women would make one of the hardest games of Screw, Marry, Kill ever.

There Is Someone For Everyone

My father has always said, "there is someone for everyone". It is so true.

No More Partying Like A Rock Star

I always used to think that partying like a rock star was the ultimate in partying. You always hear bands that get in fights during a concert, jump off the stage, forget the words to songs, trash hotel rooms, bite the heads off bats, etc.

Do you really think bands today like the Jonas Brothers, Maroon Five, and Fall Out Boy are really partying like the rock stars of old?

Since there are no true rock bands that are bad ass enough to party like rock stars I'm going to say that I'm partying like a R&B Star from now on.

Jodeci, who is a washed up R&B group, decided to have a reunion show. Here is a list of the many things that went wrong during this recent show:

• Only two of the original members (K-Ci and Jo-Jo) actually showed up and performed at the concert.
  
• Jo-Jo barely made it through the concert since he was messed up on something (alcohol, drugs, etc.)
  
• Jo-Jo completely passes out during the encore on stage while his brother continues to sing to a back track.
  
• A security guard who you think will walk on stage and pick him up only picks up his microphone and keeps walking.
  
• While his brother is still lying on the ground K-Ci shouts to the crowd, "Guys, give it up for Jo-Jo."

See the clip below. It is classic.

So the next time someone asks you how hard you partied the night before, make sure to tell them you Partied Like a R&B Star!!!

Send Me An Angel

I just heard this song today in the car and I can't help but think of the movie "Rad" every time I hear it.

For those that have never seen this movie you are missing what might be the greatest movie of all time. Check it out.



Where else can you find Uncle Jessie's girlfriend before Full House, rad bike moves from 80's pro-freestyle bikers, bad guys dressed in 80's gear that look like they just got off the Starship Enterprise, and an obvious male stunt double for Uncle Jessie's girlfriend.

Watch this movie if you never have and I promise you whenever you here Send Me An Angel by Real Life again you will not be able to think of anything else besides this scene in the movie.

Star Wars: Episode X- The Pottery Barn Strikes Back

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

...I used to live in an apartment by myself. I was able to decorate however I wanted.

Then I moved in with my wife in which the entire decor had to be a Pottery Barn theme. I have to admit that I don't mind Pottery Barn decor but wasn't excited about it...until now.

They've come out with Pottery Barn Star Wars decor. Before I moved in with my wife she would have never let me keep Star Wars decorations around but now that Pottery Barn makes it I now have a shot.

...and yes, I know that this Pottery Barn decor is geared towards 6-8 year old boys but I figure I have two girls now and may never have a boy so need to convice my wife to let me decorate our room like below...

Leroi Moore 1961-2008

I was very sad to hear about Leroi Moore. I hadn't seen them in concert in about 6 years so I decided to get a ticket this year and see them by myself this past June. Very glad I did.

I was also very sad to see that an 8 gold medal winner wears his hat like a big dork.

I'm Calling About The Kenmore Dryer?

This is a great prank call. It is from a guy, Richard Christy, that works on the Howard Stern show. I've been meaning to post this for awhile.



You probably have to listen a couple times to get the true genius of this call. He ends up calling a woman that is selling a few different items.

Before he calls her he pre-records a bunch of different things to say to her on a sound board. As he talks he'll hit some of the pre-recorded phrases so he talks over himself....too hard to explain.

Just listen to it.

It is great.

You Don't Have To Drink To Have Fun

That is what the makers of a game called "Pong Toss" for the Nintendo Wii hope.

They couldn't call it "Beer Pong" so had to stick with "Pong Toss".

I really don't think this will ever beat playing the real thing. The only way this would be as good as the real thing is if you're able to share backwash with others, wash the balls after falling on the floor in a cup of water, and potentially end up puking in the corner after playing 10 games in a row.

I guess on a positive note you'll never end up waking up in bed the next morning with a massive headache and next to the girl you "thought" looked good after playing 27 games of Beer Pong.

When I Grow Up I Want To Be Big John?

I promise I'll never get too preachy or take political sides on my blog but I will make sure to crack on all political candidates as much as possible. I've included 2 ridiculous clips below.

This is absolutely genius if Ludacris is secretly working for the McCain party.



This next clip is an add for a Senator in Texas who was running for office. It is truly classic. I think Big John should be our next President.

This Is Mike...How Can I Help You?

This is not a joke. This isn't one of those made up customer complaints that get forwarded around.


This is an actual email from a customer about a sales rep that works for my company. The only thing I changed was the name of the employee and customer name. Other than that this is the actual email that I received from a customer complaining about a sales rep.

Arturo Nunez: 07/27/08 06:02 Do you always hire ASSHOLES asuch as Johnathan Smith in Corpus Christi? He is a chronic LIAR and an extremly sorry excuse as a sales rep. It took eight weeks for us to get our upgrade to a satisfactory level. He needs TO GO! I will give you two examples of what I speak of; When I asked him for his home office phn.# and physical address, he repolied that "it's not for customer's" Ha! Ha! Ha! Then, he calls back to tell me that he's going to give me the phn.# but to "not let anybody know that he had given it to me"! Sooooooooooooon! He gave me the service call number-what a dick.This bitch took me for stupid. Of the 100 or so messages that I have left him on his voice mail, he has returned-maybe ten. Listen, I'm 54 yrs old, I am a Viet-Vet,and a multi craftsman-welder, pipe fitter, sheet metal worker(four year apprenticeship) AND a salesman. I have an AA in applied sciences. I have been to 7 different countries, have been to prison twice, got beaten and left for dead, have been shot twice, I have survived my first wife and have been around the block once or twice. To have this PUNK insult me like that was as degrading to me as being told to "sit inthe back of the bus". Now THAT was a fuck up.....excuse my French but when I speak or think of this winnie, I............catch my drift?
System: 07/29/08 14:47 Change Notification of Department set to Sales/Product Information

I'm actually responsible for having to reply to this. I'm still trying to figure out if I should help him out with his phone issues he may have or just ask him to grab a drink and listen to his life stories...this guy is classic.

What's The Over/Under?

Donaghy Receives 15 months Despite Cooperation


Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy was sentenced Tuesday in a New York court to 15 months in prison for his role in the betting scandal that has rocked the league.


Donaghy, 41, pleaded guilty last August to conspiracy to engage in wire fraud and transmitting betting information through interstate commerce.

Vegas has also reported odds as well on his 15 month stay in prison. The over/under for Donaghy tossing another inmate's salad is 4 days.

Good luck Tim!!!

I put my bet on the under...sorry. Maybe you can at least look forward to being the referee for the Prison Basketball League.

Farts Are Always Funny

What is it about farts that are always funny?

• Is it the noise that is made?



• Is it the awful smell?



• Is it seeing others reactions to it?
  

I have read funny articles, I've seen funny comedians, I have watched funny shows/movies, and I have a lot of funny friends but nothing will get more of a consistent laugh each and every time than a fart does.

I'm 32 years old and when I join conference calls at work it asks you to record your voice. Most of the time I record a fart noise so when I enter the conference call others hear, "BBBFFFFRRRR has joined the conference". Each and every time time I do it I get a huge laugh. These are professional adults that still crack up after hearing a fart noise.

Farts could have a lot of power to change things in this world and make the world a lot happier. It would be a great stress reliever in tense situations. I know it would help me with bad news. Someone could tell me just about any terrible thing and if they ended with a fart I'd have to laugh.

"Mike, Global Warming has sped up and will destroy the Earth in 2 years...BBBFFFFRRRR"

"Mike, Steph has been sleeping with the UPS man...BBBFFFFRRRR"

"Mike, you've been diagnosed with a rare disease in which you will have a permanent erection but will never have any feeling in your penis...BBBFFFFRRRR"


The reason I decided to spend so much time thinking and writing a post about farts is due to my nephews. They asked me to pull up a funny clip on You Tube that I posted below. I didn't expect myself to laugh but I found myself laughing harder than a 6 and 7 year old.

...once again it proves my point that no matter when or at what age you hear a fart it is always funny.

"Stop Bruce...Stop!!!", cried Martha Wayne.

Would Bruce Wayne have assaulted his mother? No way.

I always thought Christian Bale was a good Bruce Wayne but now that he's been allegedly arrested for assaulting his mother and sister he'd be better off playing the mugger that killed Martha Wayne.

I heard that the reason Christian assualted his mother and sister was because they told him Val Kilmer was a better Batman and that Adam West looked better in a batsuit than he did.