The Women Won't Stop Staring

Don't you hate it when women wearing low cut shirts get upset with you for staring at their breasts?

Well now you can get women back by wearing these new jeans that just came out...

Don't Turn To God...Turn To Fashion

The home screen on my computer is MSN.com. When I logged into my computer yesterday I ended up seeing the below article...

So you are telling me that if a loved one dies or your significant other leaves you that fashion can pull you through it? Wow, I never knew fashion was that powerful!!!

What else can fashion do?

If I lose my job will fashion help pay my mortgage?

If I suffer with depression will fashion cheer me up?

What if I become impotent? Will fashion give me the lift that I need?

What if a 200lb chimp attacks me? Can fashion help save me?

I really don't know the answers to how vast and far reaching fashion can actually help but now I'm definitely curious.

If I suddenly find fashion would I be a "Born Again Fashionite"?

Could fashion be the next Scientology?

Look out L. Ron Hubbard...here comes fashion.

Ape Shit

"A pet chimpanzee has been shot dead by a police officer after mauling a woman visiting its owner. The 200lb ape, who had appeared on TV commercials such as Coca Cola and Old Navy, attacked the woman as she got out of her car."

This is another one of the many things to add to the list of what is wrong with the world today. If there were anything to take away from this story I'd say that there are 2 simple rules...

Rule #1: Don't ever have a 200lb ape as a pet.

Rule #2: If you decide to break rule #1 don't ever dress the ape up and put it in a commercial. Especially an Old Navy commercial.

I even find myself holding back from attacking someone after watching those annoying commercials.

Please enjoy the below commercial from the Super Bowl. It also contains a bunch of chimps that will most likely go Ape Shit in the future.

The Next New Thing

This is for everyone that loves to run out and buy the next new piece of shit before anyone else has it.

Even Superheroes Hate Work

I'm sure there are days that Superman would rather relax on the couch than go to work...

Even Batman would rather stay home once in awhile and have a drink over fighting the Joker.

...and we all know that Robin and Aquaman would rather be at a gay club than out fighting crime.

Everyone hates going to work. Superheros are no different than you and I.

To illustrate this is a clip in which they dubbed the movie Office Space into an episode of Super Friends.

PMS Buddy

"I'm going to go out after work with the boys."

"Sorry I missed dinner. I was stuck at the office."

"I can't wait for boys weekend."

"Yeah, I'll take another beer."

"Jessica Biel is so hot."

"Please don't talk to me. The game just started."

Have you ever wanted to make comments like these around your wife/girlfriend but never sure it was the right time. Well now there is something to help.

Welcome...

PMS Buddy is an actual on line website that lets you plug in your wife/girlfriend's monthly cycle. It will actually email you on the dates that you should watch out for PMS. It has alert levels and an Overall Threat Index to make you prepared for what is about to come.

Besides beer, Playboy, football, and blow jobs...this might be the best thing ever created for men.

If you want to check out the actual website for more info. click here.

Christian Bale Vs. Bill O'Reilly

Most of you have heard Christian Bale's current rampage during the filming of Terminator 4.

Imagine if Christian Bale and Bill O'Reilly were working on the same set.


Christain Bale Vs. Bill O'Reilly - Watch more Free Videos

Bring Out Your Dead

DTV is coming...Bring out your dead!!!

The cable companies are forcing customers that have an old antenna TV to get a converter or get rid of their old TV and buy a new one. Since most of these people are elderly I've offered to travel to everyone in my area and pick up their old TV since I feel bad for them.

For more on this topic feel free to click here.

Objectification Of Women

I'm standing up for women...well sort of.

Recently the media has been all over Jessica Simpson for claiming that she is fat.

This is not fat...

This is fat...

Jessica Simpson should be more worried about making sure she doesn't wear pants that stand the potential of revealing a moose knuckle.

The WTF Blanket

If you have seen the Sham Wow infomercials you've most likely come across another infomercial for the Snuggie.

This might be one of the most ridiculous products ever made. Unless you are trying to look like one of the Imperial Royal Guards then I'd avoid this product.

Men should take note that if you ever come home thinking that you're going to get lucky and you see your wife/girlfriend wearing the Snuggie...you are shit out of luck. You'll have better luck just playing with yourself with the Sham Wow.

Men should also be aware that if they find themselves wearing one and start to panic since they can't find their balls under the Snuggie...don't worry...your balls aren't there anymore so you can stop looking.

The below is a clip of the Snuggie Infomercial but it is dubbed over as the WTF Blanket which is really what it should be called.

Single Ladies

I have to admit something quite embarrassing. I like Beyonce's "Single Ladies" song. I've had to repeatedly play it over and over again for my two little girls who love dancing to it. The song eventually hooked me.

It actually hooked me so much that I took things even further. I ended up watching the music video over and over again and studied the choreography. I then decided I wanted to re-make the video myself.

I dressed in a leotard, set up the video camera, pressed play on the CD player, and let it roll. I put out the best performance that I could. I then went to the Internet to post my video knowing that this would be the best video post in history...and then...I saw the below click.

I was so disappointed. I instantly stopped the upload of my video since after seeing the below clip there is no way I could top it.

Han Solo Looking To Sell Millenium Falcon For Extra Cash

Harrison Ford commands an estimated $13.8 million per movie but with the ongoing financial struggle he has been made to slash his fee by almost half, according to British newspaper The Daily Express.


When Harrison Ford can't get full asking price for his movies you know we're all in trouble. The second Great Depression has officially begun.

Today I saw a Black Asian Irish American Jew with a German Accent

Today is a historic day regardless of whether you voted for Barack or not. It is great to see ALL types of people celebrating such an amazing part of history. It definitely shows how we've reached a generational change on how we feel about and treat others.

There really isn't anything that I could compare to today but the one thing that at least looked similar would be St. Patrick's Day. Just like everyone becomes Irish and parties together on St. Patrick's Day it was similar to all races and colors partying in the streets today.



So to give an Irish toast to the fact that anything is possible...

Here's to you and yours
And to mine and ours.
And if mine and ours
Ever come across to you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!

You Want Me To Re-Use WHAT???

I know everyone is trying to cut corners and save money but using washable menstrual pads is a bit too far. This once again helps remind me how lucky I am to be a male vs. a female.

I have no further comments for these products so I'll just take the descriptions right from their website since they speak for themselves.

Lunapads: Every Pad comes with a removable fleece Liner to adjust for optimal absorption & comfort; simply replace the Liner to freshen your Pad.

DivaCup: The DivaCup™ is a small, internally-worn, medical-grade hypoallergenic silicone cup that collects, rather than absorbs, your menstrual flow. The Diva Cup can be worn for up to 12 hours before emptying, washing and reinserting for use for another 12 hours. It can be used for light or moderate flows, and simply emptied more often to accommodate heavy flows.

If you still don't believe these are actual products please check out the website by clicking here.

Imagine If Game

I used to play the "Imagine If Game" with one of my best friends from college. Basically it consisted of discussing a topic and then at the end of it saying, "Imagine if...".

Following the words, "imagine if", we'd add in something completely ridiculous to make the topic go so far off the mark by the end you'd forget the actual start of your conversation.

For those of you that may or may not know a new sport called XARM, I think the idea came out of an "Imagine If Game" between two people. This is the only way someone would ever come up with a ridiculous sport like this.

I feel the conversation went something like this...

-Hey, I saw a professional arm wrestling tournament on TV the other night. I couldn't believe how strong and tough they are. Pretty crazy that it's considered a sport and it was on TV.

-Yeah but imagine if before they had to arm wrestle their hands were taped together.

-Wow, yeah but imagine if once they had their arms taped together they were also attached to a small table with a metal chain so they couldn't move away from the table.

-That is crazy to think but imagine if you allowed each of the opponents to kick or punch the other person with their other hand and legs while arm wrestling and still being chained to the small table.

-THAT IS IT!!! I think we just came up with a new sport. We'll call it XARM. Basically a person will have 3 rounds of 1 minute each and the winner either has to pin the other person's arm or knock the other person out while one of their hands are taped together and also chained to a small table. Great idea.

Last Christmas

Even though Christmas is over I'm still hearing Christmas music played wherever I go. I'm definitely not a fan of Christmas Music...sorry "Holiday" Music. I just find most of the music is forced upon the artists to try to come up with something just to make a buck (don't get me wrong if I could make a few million I'd sell out in a minute as well).

U2, Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen, John Lennon, Elvis Presley, Stevie Wonder, and Paul McCartney have all come up with Christmas Music...sorry "Holiday" Music that isn't very good at all but at least some of them are bearable. A few of the oldies like Nat King Cole and Bing Crosby are some of the songs that I enjoy.



I actually don't even mind the most overplayed song in the world, "All I Want For Christmas" by Mariah Carey. This might be due to the fact that my wife absolutely loves it. Since I'm forced to listen to it on my iPod every hour during Christmas I've trained my mind to be okay with the song.



The list of songs that I absolutely can't stand would be way too long to list out so I figured I'd just give you my #1 worst Christmas song...sorry "Holiday" song:

"Last Christmas" by Wham

This has to be the worst attempt at a Christmas song for 2 reasons:

1. This is one of the gayest songs ever. If Richard Simmons were a song instead of an actual person, this song would still be gayer than Richard Simmons. I also get an awful picture in my mind of George Michael carving these lyrics into the door of a bathroom stall.


2. This song has nothing to do with Christmas. This is the ultimate use of throwing the word "Christmas" into a song for the sole purpose of selling this song and re-releasing on different compilations each year. The only part is when it says, "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart."

How did they get away with this? Any artist could have added the word Christmas into their song for no reason...

"Welcome to the Jungle. We've got fun and games. We got everything you want. Just like on Christmas Day." Gun's and Roses

"You gotta fight, for your right, for Chrrriiiiissssttttmassss." Beastie Boys

"Go shorty, it's Christmas. We're going to party like it's Christmas." 50 Cent

Wham did basically what Sesame Street would do by throwing a word into a song to try to make it relate to a situation...

"Letter 'B'" song by Muppets dressed as Beatles instead of "Let Her Be" by The Beatles, etc.


Watch the video for this song and hopefully it creeps you out as much as it does for me.

***The great part about the video is that the actress in it is Sean Young who is actually a man as we all know..."She's not Lois Einhorn ! She's Ray Finkle . She's man . ..... Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn!… Einhorn is a man!!! OH MY GOD!!! EINHORN IS A MAN!" I'm sure George has had a few "guns" digging into his hips in the past.***

Feel free to Leave comments on your #1 song you hate as well.

Auld Lang Syne

I really hadn't thought of a New Years resolution until about 12:00:02 am on January 1, 2009. Forget losing weight, giving money to charity, being nicer to people, etc....I will save that for more caring people. I found a very important resolution that I must do.

Since New Years is my favorite Holiday I feel that I really need to learn the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne as well as find out the meaning of the song and where it came from.

I love the song and always butcher it each year since never took time to learn or know what the song was. Each year whether drunk or sober (mainly drunk) I've usually sang the song (hummed most of it) like this:

Mike Doolan Lyrics

Should old acquaintance be forgot
and never hmmmm, hmmm, HMMMMMM?
Should old acquaintance be forgot
and days of old ang sign?
For old ang sign, my dear,
for old ang sign,
we'll blah, blah, blah, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmm,
for old ang sign.

Then repeat a lot of humming similar to the first verse...

Please hold me accountable and make sure that on 1/1/10 at 12:00:00am I know the meaning and I'm singing the below lyrics so I don't have to hum the song another year.

Auld Lang Syne Lyrics

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

Background: The song, "Auld Lang Syne," is sung at the stroke of midnight in nearly every English-speaking country in the world to welcome the New Year. Early variations of the song were sung in the 17th century. But writer Robert Burns was inspired to recompose a modern rendition, and the revised version was published in 1796, after Burns' death. An old Scotch tune, "Auld Lang Syne" literally means "old long ago," or simply, "the good old days."

6 More Days

Getting Old

When did I start getting those wrinkles around my eyes?

When did I get my first gray hair?

When did I start having less hair on my head and more hair on my back?

When did I start farting everytime I pee?

When did I start watching 60 minutes and actually enjoy it?

All of these questions I do not have any answers for.

Too bad I wasn't like this guy. He ended up taking a picture of himself every day for 17 years. He sped up the pictures and put them into a 2 minute clip. Pretty crazy.


17 Years In 2 Minutes - Watch more free videos

Assdar

Most of you probably remember John Rocker as the outspoken pitcher who was projected to be the next great reliever in 1999, but he got into hot water in 2000 when he said he didn't like New York and riding on the subway with the "foreigns."

Not sure if others feel that same way but there are some people in this world that even before they open their mouth you know by looking at them that they are a complete asshole.

Not sure what you would call this?

I know if you are good at telling if someone is gay they call it having Gaydar. I guess this would mean that I have Assdar. If I had just met Rocker on the street, my Assdar would have been completely accurate in my assement of him being an asshole.


I would like you to perform your own test to see if you have the special abilities as I do of having Assdar. Take a look at the pictures below:

Without knowing who he is, if you could accurately look at him and say..."Wow, he looks like a real asshole!!!"...then you definitely have Assdar. You can then confirm that you are accurate by reading about the comments he's made in the past and checking out his website. (I do have to admit that I'm thinking about buying one of his T-shirts.)

For those of you that do not have Assdar, studies have shown that this is most likely due to the fact that YOU are actually an asshole. Sorry.