Thursday, October 23, 2008

10 Things During 13.1

The top 10 things I learned/observed after running 13.1 miles:

10. The Baystate Marathon was in Lowell, MA and I swear there were a few bums actually running in the race...not kidding...it was a cold day so probably only way they could stay warm.


9. I saw more Camel Toes than a Sahara Desert Safari.


8. I saw full grown men dressed in unitards.


7. At mile eleven when your exhausted and vision starts to get blurly you at least sometimes have this view in front of you to keep you running...


6. Bloody nipples start to kick in after 8 miles.


5. You will never see more people using a restroom than before a race since everyone is over-hydrated.


4. I really don't even know how to stretch before a race but saw more interesting stretches than even Vera De Milo could do.


3. Some of the 50-60 year old runners handled the 30 degree weather better and more manly than I did.


2. I've never run this far in my life without someone chasing me.


1. Lastly, do not get caught down wind running for 2 hours behind someone that obviously ate too much fiber before the race.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Joe The Plumber


After watching the final presidential debate between Obama and McCain I've decided that I'm going to change my name to Joe and become a Plumber since no matter who gets voted into office I think he is going to make out the best.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

For You Joe Six Pack

This is for all you Joe Six Packs out there. I try to keep my opinions to myself but lately I find myself completely annoyed with so many things starting with the election...

The Candidates:

Never before have I ever been so involved or so informed in politics and the upcoming election. This year is a chance to wipe the slate clean and have the best nominees possible from both parties.

On one side you hear the mention of change. I'm all for change but change to what? It might not always be good.

For example if I currently pissed my pants I'd obviously say that I need a change of pants. If I end up changing into a pair of pants that I shit in the day before...that isn't such a great change.


Then on the other side you hear about being a Maverick and that they are going to change how things are done in Washington. I'm not sure I want to follow any Maverick's anymore. I used follow this Maverick and think this Maverick was cool...

...now he's just a crazy guy that jumps on Oprah's couch.

The Debate Questions:

Now lets discuss the debates. I honestly (not exaggerating) can almost recite word for word what each candidate will say to a question even before they begin to speak. They continue to repeat the same talking points and you never find out anything of substance.

One reason why you don't get any substance is due to the fact that they never answer a fucking question directly!!!

How hard is it? Granted the topics are different but I've been asked similar phrased questions all my life and always had a clear and direct answer...

Mom: "Mike, if you had to put 3 Star Wars figures in the priority in which you want them for your 5th Birthday with the first choice being your top priority...what would it be?

Mike: "Han Solo (Empire Strikes Back Outfit), Boba Fett, and R2D2."

...later in life...

Mom: "Mike, I feel bad that you had to "bailout" your dying car with most of the money you had saved up to go to college. I know the things you wanted to spend money on were books, clothes, calling cards, a hot plate, and beer. Since you don't have as much money due to your car "bailout", what areas do you feel you'll have to cut spending?"

Mike: "I think I'll have to cut all spending on everything except the beer."

The Debate Answers:

Whether you're voting for Obama or McCain I'm sure everyone has an opinion on Sarah Palin...but I have to admit...I like some of her answers better than all the other candidates.

Yes, she definitely does not answer questions directly but I don't even think she knows that she is doing it or what she is actually saying.

I'd rather watch a woman answer a question as is well if should be then we can and will do things and if maverick we don't it definitely is therefore...

....then have 3 other candidates that actually could give direct answers insult my intelligence by blatantly skirting around the question.

What can the candidates do?

I understand that you'll never get a straight answer in politics and some things can't be answered until you're actually in office but they should at least try to come up with specific things that they could have an answer to and maybe make them relate to Americans.

If they were going to relate to me and my concerns I'd like to learn from each of them the following...

Obama: Give me specifics on how to play basketball better. I've never been that good and always wanted to improve.

McCain: Teach me how to marry a millionaire like he did so I don't have to worry about my declining 401K.

Biden: Talk to me about the advantages of hair plugs over using Propecia or Rogaine since I'm starting to lose my hair.

Palin: Help me gather up all my Joe Six Pack friends so I can get drunk and forget about how frustrated I am with this election.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Pete And Repeat Were In A Boat...

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Repeat

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Repeat

You get the point. I had to repeat a topic I already talked about due to the below beer pong clip that I couldn't pass up. If I had to write a 5 minute prequel to the beginning of this clip I'd imagine it would be something like this:

Setting: College Frat House on Parents Weekend
Plot: Father decides to play Beer Pong at a party
Story Time frame: 5 hours and 36 minutes of drinking

Last Scene: Final Game of Beer Pong

-Son: Guys we've been drinking all day. I know this is the last game but try to go easy on my Dad since he's really drunk.

Father walks in from Kitchen

-Father: Son, lets take these bitches down in this last game. How about we're skins and they are shirts?

-Son: Are you sure?

-Father: Yes, take your shirt off you pussy. I'm paying for this education so you do what I say.

Game continues until there is one cup left before the Father and Son can take the final victory. The rest of the brothers start to egg on the father at this point.

-Brothers: Hey old man...don't choke on this last shot. I hear the nursing home is going to need you back after this game.

-Father: Bull shit. I guarantee that I make this last shot.

-Brothers: No way. You haven't made one yet.

-Father: I bet all you assholes $500 that I will definitely make this last shot.

-Brother: Alright baldy. You're on.

The father proceeds to back up to prepare for his final shot. His son whispers into his ear...

-Son: Dad, are you sure you can do this?

-Father: Just watch and learn my son. Just watch and learn.

Cut to final scene below...