When I Grow Up I Want To Be Big John?

I promise I'll never get too preachy or take political sides on my blog but I will make sure to crack on all political candidates as much as possible. I've included 2 ridiculous clips below.

This is absolutely genius if Ludacris is secretly working for the McCain party.



This next clip is an add for a Senator in Texas who was running for office. It is truly classic. I think Big John should be our next President.

This Is Mike...How Can I Help You?

This is not a joke. This isn't one of those made up customer complaints that get forwarded around.


This is an actual email from a customer about a sales rep that works for my company. The only thing I changed was the name of the employee and customer name. Other than that this is the actual email that I received from a customer complaining about a sales rep.

Arturo Nunez: 07/27/08 06:02 Do you always hire ASSHOLES asuch as Johnathan Smith in Corpus Christi? He is a chronic LIAR and an extremly sorry excuse as a sales rep. It took eight weeks for us to get our upgrade to a satisfactory level. He needs TO GO! I will give you two examples of what I speak of; When I asked him for his home office phn.# and physical address, he repolied that "it's not for customer's" Ha! Ha! Ha! Then, he calls back to tell me that he's going to give me the phn.# but to "not let anybody know that he had given it to me"! Sooooooooooooon! He gave me the service call number-what a dick.This bitch took me for stupid. Of the 100 or so messages that I have left him on his voice mail, he has returned-maybe ten. Listen, I'm 54 yrs old, I am a Viet-Vet,and a multi craftsman-welder, pipe fitter, sheet metal worker(four year apprenticeship) AND a salesman. I have an AA in applied sciences. I have been to 7 different countries, have been to prison twice, got beaten and left for dead, have been shot twice, I have survived my first wife and have been around the block once or twice. To have this PUNK insult me like that was as degrading to me as being told to "sit inthe back of the bus". Now THAT was a fuck up.....excuse my French but when I speak or think of this winnie, I............catch my drift?
System: 07/29/08 14:47 Change Notification of Department set to Sales/Product Information

I'm actually responsible for having to reply to this. I'm still trying to figure out if I should help him out with his phone issues he may have or just ask him to grab a drink and listen to his life stories...this guy is classic.

What's The Over/Under?

Donaghy Receives 15 months Despite Cooperation


Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy was sentenced Tuesday in a New York court to 15 months in prison for his role in the betting scandal that has rocked the league.


Donaghy, 41, pleaded guilty last August to conspiracy to engage in wire fraud and transmitting betting information through interstate commerce.

Vegas has also reported odds as well on his 15 month stay in prison. The over/under for Donaghy tossing another inmate's salad is 4 days.

Good luck Tim!!!

I put my bet on the under...sorry. Maybe you can at least look forward to being the referee for the Prison Basketball League.

Farts Are Always Funny

What is it about farts that are always funny?

• Is it the noise that is made?



• Is it the awful smell?



• Is it seeing others reactions to it?
  

I have read funny articles, I've seen funny comedians, I have watched funny shows/movies, and I have a lot of funny friends but nothing will get more of a consistent laugh each and every time than a fart does.

I'm 32 years old and when I join conference calls at work it asks you to record your voice. Most of the time I record a fart noise so when I enter the conference call others hear, "BBBFFFFRRRR has joined the conference". Each and every time time I do it I get a huge laugh. These are professional adults that still crack up after hearing a fart noise.

Farts could have a lot of power to change things in this world and make the world a lot happier. It would be a great stress reliever in tense situations. I know it would help me with bad news. Someone could tell me just about any terrible thing and if they ended with a fart I'd have to laugh.

"Mike, Global Warming has sped up and will destroy the Earth in 2 years...BBBFFFFRRRR"

"Mike, Steph has been sleeping with the UPS man...BBBFFFFRRRR"

"Mike, you've been diagnosed with a rare disease in which you will have a permanent erection but will never have any feeling in your penis...BBBFFFFRRRR"


The reason I decided to spend so much time thinking and writing a post about farts is due to my nephews. They asked me to pull up a funny clip on You Tube that I posted below. I didn't expect myself to laugh but I found myself laughing harder than a 6 and 7 year old.

...once again it proves my point that no matter when or at what age you hear a fart it is always funny.

"Stop Bruce...Stop!!!", cried Martha Wayne.

Would Bruce Wayne have assaulted his mother? No way.

I always thought Christian Bale was a good Bruce Wayne but now that he's been allegedly arrested for assaulting his mother and sister he'd be better off playing the mugger that killed Martha Wayne.

I heard that the reason Christian assualted his mother and sister was because they told him Val Kilmer was a better Batman and that Adam West looked better in a batsuit than he did.

Dancing With The Criminals

If you think prison life is easy...think again. You need to worry about gangs, corrupt prison guards, being raped, and also learning dance steps.

The below is a tape of a Filipino Prison that actual puts on dance shows. I could see someone getting them on Dancing With The Stars some day.

Carrie Ann Inaba: "It started off a little slow but towards the end the chain gang ended with a bang! A few of you need to watch your posture a bit but I'd have to say overall great job. I love how you tie everything together with the orange outfits."

Len Goodman: "No, no, no Carrie. Once again you don't know what you're talking about. The rapist in the back row was completely off on his timing, I specifically saw the crack dealer do a lift which is not allowed, and when the visitors section started dancing it completely ruined everything. No one was using proper technique. Awful...just awful."

Bruno Tonioli: "Lord of the Dance meet Lord of the Inmates. You all danced around the courtyard like a pedophile floats around a playground. It was a magical display of prisoner passion with dancing like I've never seen before. If you are all this good at dancing in the courtyard I wonder what it's like in the showers. You all make me want to get arrested and put in prison."

Can I Have A Water With Fecal Matter Please?

When did restaurants start assuming that everyone wants a lemon wedge when you order a water?

I can't go anywhere these days without ordering a water and having it come with a lemon wedge on the side of the glass. Each time I now must ask to have a water without lemon. It is very frustrating.

For those of you that say, "Screw you Mike, I like lemons with my water so stop complaining", you might want to think again and start ordering like I do.

See the clip below.

Tour of Italy

Playboy just came out with "The Girls of the Olive Garden".

I hear that the magazine comes with a 45 minute wait, endless bowl of pasta, breadsticks, and a side order of slut in a cream sauce.

Madonna Who?

This is the real reason why A-Rod's wife wants to leave him.



I heard that the guy rubbing him down can also Vogue really well.

Three Six OOOOH!!!!

Tag Your Man!!! Head to Head!!!

Dance 360 was the best show on television.






Dance 360 was a hip-hop dance competition show. Hosts Fredro Starr and Kel Mitchell would pick 6 dancers out of the crowd to compete for $360 in cash and a prize package.

What made the show so great is where else could you have the crowd more excited than the Oprah free give away show and get to see two white boys break dancing.




The crowd would vote and narrow down the competition to two dancers. They would shout out "Tag Your Man" in which each person would take turns dancing. They would then shout out "Head to Head" in which both dancers would then dance at the same time. This was an extremely complicated show to explain so I hope I didn't lose anyone.

For those that have never seen this show I feel sorry for you. You are missing what might be one of the best 1/2 hours of television in history. The show originally aired from Aug 30, 2004 to Sept 9, 2005. It is now in syndication.

Once in awhile if you're lucky you can still catch a re-run usually on Weekend mornings. For now enjoy the below clip.

Got Milk?

I'm all for the benefits of breast feeding but come on...once your kid has their driving permit it's time to stop.

I saw this on TV and couldn't believe it. Don't worry, I'm sure these girls will turn out completely normal.

...and to think that I was embarassed when my mom wanted me to drink Orange Juice over Soda at that age.

***Warning: You will never be the same after watching this video.***

Super Unitards

Thinking back to when I was a kid I always thought how cool it would be to fly like Superman, run like The Flash, and swing from building to building like Spider-Man.

At an older age when trying to dress as a Superhero for a costume party I appreciated Superheros for another reason...they looked a lot better in a unitard than I did.

It also made me think...why do most Superheros where unitards for an outfit? It's definitely not a very manly costume to fight crime in. To this day I won't sleep naked in case someone breaks into my house late at night since I wouldn't want to fight someone naked.

I give Superheros credit since besides a cape and a belt they are basically fighting in a uniform that is mainly worn by young girls once a year at a dance recital.

Enjoy the below clip. Also click here for another Superhero that I definitely wouldn't want to fight naked.

Just Say No...To Camel Toe

And I thought my 70's costume I wore this past weekend was funny...

Talk about going all out to get a laugh.

Bo Knows Tecmo

Many consider Bo Jackson one of the greatest all around professional athletes of all-time. Others that aren't into sports would only know him for his "Bo Knows" Nike commercials.

I on the other hand like to remember him as the greatest Tecmo Bowl running back of all-time. For those that used to play this Nintendo game you know what I'm talking about. Here is a preview of how ridiculously good they made his character on Tecmo Bowl.

Everyone that played this game will find this the best post ever. For those that didn't...sorry...I can't just write about Triple Nipples all the time.