PMS Buddy

"I'm going to go out after work with the boys."

"Sorry I missed dinner. I was stuck at the office."

"I can't wait for boys weekend."

"Yeah, I'll take another beer."

"Jessica Biel is so hot."

"Please don't talk to me. The game just started."

Have you ever wanted to make comments like these around your wife/girlfriend but never sure it was the right time. Well now there is something to help.

Welcome...

PMS Buddy is an actual on line website that lets you plug in your wife/girlfriend's monthly cycle. It will actually email you on the dates that you should watch out for PMS. It has alert levels and an Overall Threat Index to make you prepared for what is about to come.

Besides beer, Playboy, football, and blow jobs...this might be the best thing ever created for men.

If you want to check out the actual website for more info. click here.

Christian Bale Vs. Bill O'Reilly

Most of you have heard Christian Bale's current rampage during the filming of Terminator 4.

Imagine if Christian Bale and Bill O'Reilly were working on the same set.


Christain Bale Vs. Bill O'Reilly - Watch more Free Videos

Bring Out Your Dead

DTV is coming...Bring out your dead!!!

The cable companies are forcing customers that have an old antenna TV to get a converter or get rid of their old TV and buy a new one. Since most of these people are elderly I've offered to travel to everyone in my area and pick up their old TV since I feel bad for them.

For more on this topic feel free to click here.

Objectification Of Women

I'm standing up for women...well sort of.

Recently the media has been all over Jessica Simpson for claiming that she is fat.

This is not fat...

This is fat...

Jessica Simpson should be more worried about making sure she doesn't wear pants that stand the potential of revealing a moose knuckle.

The WTF Blanket

If you have seen the Sham Wow infomercials you've most likely come across another infomercial for the Snuggie.

This might be one of the most ridiculous products ever made. Unless you are trying to look like one of the Imperial Royal Guards then I'd avoid this product.

Men should take note that if you ever come home thinking that you're going to get lucky and you see your wife/girlfriend wearing the Snuggie...you are shit out of luck. You'll have better luck just playing with yourself with the Sham Wow.

Men should also be aware that if they find themselves wearing one and start to panic since they can't find their balls under the Snuggie...don't worry...your balls aren't there anymore so you can stop looking.

The below is a clip of the Snuggie Infomercial but it is dubbed over as the WTF Blanket which is really what it should be called.

Single Ladies

I have to admit something quite embarrassing. I like Beyonce's "Single Ladies" song. I've had to repeatedly play it over and over again for my two little girls who love dancing to it. The song eventually hooked me.

It actually hooked me so much that I took things even further. I ended up watching the music video over and over again and studied the choreography. I then decided I wanted to re-make the video myself.

I dressed in a leotard, set up the video camera, pressed play on the CD player, and let it roll. I put out the best performance that I could. I then went to the Internet to post my video knowing that this would be the best video post in history...and then...I saw the below click.

I was so disappointed. I instantly stopped the upload of my video since after seeing the below clip there is no way I could top it.

Han Solo Looking To Sell Millenium Falcon For Extra Cash

Harrison Ford commands an estimated $13.8 million per movie but with the ongoing financial struggle he has been made to slash his fee by almost half, according to British newspaper The Daily Express.


When Harrison Ford can't get full asking price for his movies you know we're all in trouble. The second Great Depression has officially begun.

Today I saw a Black Asian Irish American Jew with a German Accent

Today is a historic day regardless of whether you voted for Barack or not. It is great to see ALL types of people celebrating such an amazing part of history. It definitely shows how we've reached a generational change on how we feel about and treat others.

There really isn't anything that I could compare to today but the one thing that at least looked similar would be St. Patrick's Day. Just like everyone becomes Irish and parties together on St. Patrick's Day it was similar to all races and colors partying in the streets today.



So to give an Irish toast to the fact that anything is possible...

Here's to you and yours
And to mine and ours.
And if mine and ours
Ever come across to you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!

You Want Me To Re-Use WHAT???

I know everyone is trying to cut corners and save money but using washable menstrual pads is a bit too far. This once again helps remind me how lucky I am to be a male vs. a female.

I have no further comments for these products so I'll just take the descriptions right from their website since they speak for themselves.

Lunapads: Every Pad comes with a removable fleece Liner to adjust for optimal absorption & comfort; simply replace the Liner to freshen your Pad.

DivaCup: The DivaCup™ is a small, internally-worn, medical-grade hypoallergenic silicone cup that collects, rather than absorbs, your menstrual flow. The Diva Cup can be worn for up to 12 hours before emptying, washing and reinserting for use for another 12 hours. It can be used for light or moderate flows, and simply emptied more often to accommodate heavy flows.

If you still don't believe these are actual products please check out the website by clicking here.

Imagine If Game

I used to play the "Imagine If Game" with one of my best friends from college. Basically it consisted of discussing a topic and then at the end of it saying, "Imagine if...".

Following the words, "imagine if", we'd add in something completely ridiculous to make the topic go so far off the mark by the end you'd forget the actual start of your conversation.

For those of you that may or may not know a new sport called XARM, I think the idea came out of an "Imagine If Game" between two people. This is the only way someone would ever come up with a ridiculous sport like this.

I feel the conversation went something like this...

-Hey, I saw a professional arm wrestling tournament on TV the other night. I couldn't believe how strong and tough they are. Pretty crazy that it's considered a sport and it was on TV.

-Yeah but imagine if before they had to arm wrestle their hands were taped together.

-Wow, yeah but imagine if once they had their arms taped together they were also attached to a small table with a metal chain so they couldn't move away from the table.

-That is crazy to think but imagine if you allowed each of the opponents to kick or punch the other person with their other hand and legs while arm wrestling and still being chained to the small table.

-THAT IS IT!!! I think we just came up with a new sport. We'll call it XARM. Basically a person will have 3 rounds of 1 minute each and the winner either has to pin the other person's arm or knock the other person out while one of their hands are taped together and also chained to a small table. Great idea.

Last Christmas

Even though Christmas is over I'm still hearing Christmas music played wherever I go. I'm definitely not a fan of Christmas Music...sorry "Holiday" Music. I just find most of the music is forced upon the artists to try to come up with something just to make a buck (don't get me wrong if I could make a few million I'd sell out in a minute as well).

U2, Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen, John Lennon, Elvis Presley, Stevie Wonder, and Paul McCartney have all come up with Christmas Music...sorry "Holiday" Music that isn't very good at all but at least some of them are bearable. A few of the oldies like Nat King Cole and Bing Crosby are some of the songs that I enjoy.



I actually don't even mind the most overplayed song in the world, "All I Want For Christmas" by Mariah Carey. This might be due to the fact that my wife absolutely loves it. Since I'm forced to listen to it on my iPod every hour during Christmas I've trained my mind to be okay with the song.



The list of songs that I absolutely can't stand would be way too long to list out so I figured I'd just give you my #1 worst Christmas song...sorry "Holiday" song:

"Last Christmas" by Wham

This has to be the worst attempt at a Christmas song for 2 reasons:

1. This is one of the gayest songs ever. If Richard Simmons were a song instead of an actual person, this song would still be gayer than Richard Simmons. I also get an awful picture in my mind of George Michael carving these lyrics into the door of a bathroom stall.


2. This song has nothing to do with Christmas. This is the ultimate use of throwing the word "Christmas" into a song for the sole purpose of selling this song and re-releasing on different compilations each year. The only part is when it says, "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart."

How did they get away with this? Any artist could have added the word Christmas into their song for no reason...

"Welcome to the Jungle. We've got fun and games. We got everything you want. Just like on Christmas Day." Gun's and Roses

"You gotta fight, for your right, for Chrrriiiiissssttttmassss." Beastie Boys

"Go shorty, it's Christmas. We're going to party like it's Christmas." 50 Cent

Wham did basically what Sesame Street would do by throwing a word into a song to try to make it relate to a situation...

"Letter 'B'" song by Muppets dressed as Beatles instead of "Let Her Be" by The Beatles, etc.


Watch the video for this song and hopefully it creeps you out as much as it does for me.

***The great part about the video is that the actress in it is Sean Young who is actually a man as we all know..."She's not Lois Einhorn ! She's Ray Finkle . She's man . ..... Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn!… Einhorn is a man!!! OH MY GOD!!! EINHORN IS A MAN!" I'm sure George has had a few "guns" digging into his hips in the past.***

Feel free to Leave comments on your #1 song you hate as well.

Auld Lang Syne

I really hadn't thought of a New Years resolution until about 12:00:02 am on January 1, 2009. Forget losing weight, giving money to charity, being nicer to people, etc....I will save that for more caring people. I found a very important resolution that I must do.

Since New Years is my favorite Holiday I feel that I really need to learn the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne as well as find out the meaning of the song and where it came from.

I love the song and always butcher it each year since never took time to learn or know what the song was. Each year whether drunk or sober (mainly drunk) I've usually sang the song (hummed most of it) like this:

Mike Doolan Lyrics

Should old acquaintance be forgot
and never hmmmm, hmmm, HMMMMMM?
Should old acquaintance be forgot
and days of old ang sign?
For old ang sign, my dear,
for old ang sign,
we'll blah, blah, blah, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmm,
for old ang sign.

Then repeat a lot of humming similar to the first verse...

Please hold me accountable and make sure that on 1/1/10 at 12:00:00am I know the meaning and I'm singing the below lyrics so I don't have to hum the song another year.

Auld Lang Syne Lyrics

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

Background: The song, "Auld Lang Syne," is sung at the stroke of midnight in nearly every English-speaking country in the world to welcome the New Year. Early variations of the song were sung in the 17th century. But writer Robert Burns was inspired to recompose a modern rendition, and the revised version was published in 1796, after Burns' death. An old Scotch tune, "Auld Lang Syne" literally means "old long ago," or simply, "the good old days."

6 More Days

Getting Old

When did I start getting those wrinkles around my eyes?

When did I get my first gray hair?

When did I start having less hair on my head and more hair on my back?

When did I start farting everytime I pee?

When did I start watching 60 minutes and actually enjoy it?

All of these questions I do not have any answers for.

Too bad I wasn't like this guy. He ended up taking a picture of himself every day for 17 years. He sped up the pictures and put them into a 2 minute clip. Pretty crazy.


17 Years In 2 Minutes - Watch more free videos

Assdar

Most of you probably remember John Rocker as the outspoken pitcher who was projected to be the next great reliever in 1999, but he got into hot water in 2000 when he said he didn't like New York and riding on the subway with the "foreigns."

Not sure if others feel that same way but there are some people in this world that even before they open their mouth you know by looking at them that they are a complete asshole.

Not sure what you would call this?

I know if you are good at telling if someone is gay they call it having Gaydar. I guess this would mean that I have Assdar. If I had just met Rocker on the street, my Assdar would have been completely accurate in my assement of him being an asshole.


I would like you to perform your own test to see if you have the special abilities as I do of having Assdar. Take a look at the pictures below:

Without knowing who he is, if you could accurately look at him and say..."Wow, he looks like a real asshole!!!"...then you definitely have Assdar. You can then confirm that you are accurate by reading about the comments he's made in the past and checking out his website. (I do have to admit that I'm thinking about buying one of his T-shirts.)

For those of you that do not have Assdar, studies have shown that this is most likely due to the fact that YOU are actually an asshole. Sorry.

Renegade

The US secret service is reported to have assigned president-elect Barack Obama the code name 'Renegade'. Lorenzo Lamas stared in a TV series called 'Renegade'.

With this similarity I wanted to dig into this further and find out what else Lorenzo Lamas and Barack Obama have in common.

Obama- Born August 4, 1961
Lamas- Born January 20, 1958

Obama- Raised in Indonesia and Hawaii
Lamas- Raised in Pacific Palisades, California

Obama- During High School he used marijuana, cocaine, and alcohol but never got a unicorn tattoo.
Lamas- Has a tattoo of a woman riding a unicorn on upper back/shoulder. He has said it is a tribute to two of his father's favorite things (women and horses).

Obama- Graduate of Columbia College of Columbia University and Harvard Law School
Lamas- Graduated from Admiral Farragut Academy

Obama- Came from American and Kenyan decent.
Lamas- Mostly of South American heritage (father is Argentinian), but he is partially of Norwegian descent on his mother's side.

Obama- Plays Basketball
Lamas- Black belt of various martial arts: Karate, Kempo, Tae Kwon Do and Jujutsu.

At the end of all my research I found that it was a complete waste of time trying to find similarities. Besides that fact that their last names have 5 letters that is basically the ONLY thing they have in common.

If you're pissed at actually wasting 2 minutes to read this post think about the 30 minutes I spent trying to find something funny or common between them and then coming up with nothing.

10 Things During 13.1

The top 10 things I learned/observed after running 13.1 miles:

10. The Baystate Marathon was in Lowell, MA and I swear there were a few bums actually running in the race...not kidding...it was a cold day so probably only way they could stay warm.

9. I saw more Camel Toes than a Sahara Desert Safari.

8. I saw full grown men dressed in unitards.

7. At mile eleven when your exhausted and vision starts to get blurly you at least sometimes have this view in front of you to keep you running...

6. Bloody nipples start to kick in after 8 miles.

5. You will never see more people using a restroom than before a race since everyone is over-hydrated.

4. I really don't even know how to stretch before a race but saw more interesting stretches than even Vera De Milo could do.

3. Some of the 50-60 year old runners handled the 30 degree weather better and more manly than I did.

2. I've never run this far in my life without someone chasing me.

1. Lastly, do not get caught down wind running for 2 hours behind someone that obviously ate too much fiber before the race.

Joe The Plumber

After watching the final presidential debate between Obama and McCain I've decided that I'm going to change my name to Joe and become a Plumber since no matter who gets voted into office I think he is going to make out the best.

For You Joe Six Pack

This is for all you Joe Six Packs out there. I try to keep my opinions to myself but lately I find myself completely annoyed with so many things starting with the election...

The Candidates:

Never before have I ever been so involved or so informed in politics and the upcoming election. This year is a chance to wipe the slate clean and have the best nominees possible from both parties.

On one side you hear the mention of change. I'm all for change but change to what? It might not always be good.

For example if I currently pissed my pants I'd obviously say that I need a change of pants. If I end up changing into a pair of pants that I shit in the day before...that isn't such a great change.

Then on the other side you hear about being a Maverick and that they are going to change how things are done in Washington. I'm not sure I want to follow any Maverick's anymore. I used follow this Maverick and think this Maverick was cool...

...now he's just a crazy guy that jumps on Oprah's couch.

The Debate Questions:

Now lets discuss the debates. I honestly (not exaggerating) can almost recite word for word what each candidate will say to a question even before they begin to speak. They continue to repeat the same talking points and you never find out anything of substance.

One reason why you don't get any substance is due to the fact that they never answer a fucking question directly!!!

How hard is it? Granted the topics are different but I've been asked similar phrased questions all my life and always had a clear and direct answer...

Mom: "Mike, if you had to put 3 Star Wars figures in the priority in which you want them for your 5th Birthday with the first choice being your top priority...what would it be?

Mike: "Han Solo (Empire Strikes Back Outfit), Boba Fett, and R2D2."

...later in life...

Mom: "Mike, I feel bad that you had to "bailout" your dying car with most of the money you had saved up to go to college. I know the things you wanted to spend money on were books, clothes, calling cards, a hot plate, and beer. Since you don't have as much money due to your car "bailout", what areas do you feel you'll have to cut spending?"

Mike: "I think I'll have to cut all spending on everything except the beer."

The Debate Answers:

Whether you're voting for Obama or McCain I'm sure everyone has an opinion on Sarah Palin...but I have to admit...I like some of her answers better than all the other candidates.

Yes, she definitely does not answer questions directly but I don't even think she knows that she is doing it or what she is actually saying.

I'd rather watch a woman answer a question as is well if should be then we can and will do things and if maverick we don't it definitely is therefore...

....then have 3 other candidates that actually could give direct answers insult my intelligence by blatantly skirting around the question.

What can the candidates do?

I understand that you'll never get a straight answer in politics and some things can't be answered until you're actually in office but they should at least try to come up with specific things that they could have an answer to and maybe make them relate to Americans.

If they were going to relate to me and my concerns I'd like to learn from each of them the following...

Obama: Give me specifics on how to play basketball better. I've never been that good and always wanted to improve.

McCain: Teach me how to marry a millionaire like he did so I don't have to worry about my declining 401K.

Biden: Talk to me about the advantages of hair plugs over using Propecia or Rogaine since I'm starting to lose my hair.

Palin: Help me gather up all my Joe Six Pack friends so I can get drunk and forget about how frustrated I am with this election.

Pete And Repeat Were In A Boat...

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Repeat

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Repeat

You get the point. I had to repeat a topic I already talked about due to the below beer pong clip that I couldn't pass up. If I had to write a 5 minute prequel to the beginning of this clip I'd imagine it would be something like this:

Setting: College Frat House on Parents Weekend
Plot: Father decides to play Beer Pong at a party
Story Time frame: 5 hours and 36 minutes of drinking

Last Scene: Final Game of Beer Pong

-Son: Guys we've been drinking all day. I know this is the last game but try to go easy on my Dad since he's really drunk.

Father walks in from Kitchen

-Father: Son, lets take these bitches down in this last game. How about we're skins and they are shirts?

-Son: Are you sure?

-Father: Yes, take your shirt off you pussy. I'm paying for this education so you do what I say.

Game continues until there is one cup left before the Father and Son can take the final victory. The rest of the brothers start to egg on the father at this point.

-Brothers: Hey old man...don't choke on this last shot. I hear the nursing home is going to need you back after this game.

-Father: Bull shit. I guarantee that I make this last shot.

-Brothers: No way. You haven't made one yet.

-Father: I bet all you assholes $500 that I will definitely make this last shot.

-Brother: Alright baldy. You're on.

The father proceeds to back up to prepare for his final shot. His son whispers into his ear...

-Son: Dad, are you sure you can do this?

-Father: Just watch and learn my son. Just watch and learn.

Cut to final scene below...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.